Because, I rather hit than hurt.

Goodbye

I threw away everything and deleted anything that had to do with you, it was an childish act but if it works by tearing away everything and deleting it, perhaps it would be worth it, it will be too late to regret and leave no path back. As I was clearing away, i only realized something. Of all the things I have given you, whether it was notes, gifts, cards. All i had from you was a note from the past of no importance and a letter to cut off the relationship, while I on the other hand had to even clean out gifts for you that wasn't given to you. Not to begin my materialism but was everything i've done not worth looking at, was everything i've felt not worth reciprocating, was everything i've gave not worth a single thought, was everything i've loved not worth a consideration? So would I be able to walk off the shadows of you now that i've steeled my hard?

Goodbye Eileen, hope we'll never see each other again.

Maybe if you listened, you would understand

Maybe if you paid attention, you would have noticed

Maybe if you looked, you would see

Maybe if you believed, you would be happy

Maybe if you agreed, you would be smiling.

Should I love or hate dreams?

They bring you back to your fantasy but they stay as a fantasy when you're awake

They bring you smiles but changes them to tears when you're awake

They bring you peace but makes them tragic when you're awake

They bring you means to escape but throws you back when you're awake

They bring you hope but to crush them when you're awake

They bring you her but to take her away when you're awake.

And so how do i live when i know i still can't let go? how do i move on when i know i can't step off? how do i look at others when i know its still you that i see? how do i survive when i know i can barely without you.

Bad person, Good person

If someone who thinks that he is a bad person then wouldn't he be a good person as he is aware of him being bad?

If someone who thinks that he is a good person then wouldn't he be a bad person as he looks highly upon himself?

If that person who thinks he is bad but aware of being bad is a good person then wouldn't that be ironic of how he wants to be the bad person but turns out to be the good person?

If that person who thinks he is a good but is egoistic then wouldn't he be lying to himself trying to make himself feel good and why would that make him bad?

If that person who does things to harm but it was in order for him to live with himself, then how do we call him bad if he is doing it to survive?

If that person tries to do good things to make himself feel good by helping others to, then why do we call him good if he does things to make himself feel good after helping others do?

If that person is pessimistic and thus say and do bad things then why would he be bad when he was probably good and life turns him bad?

If that person is optimistic and thus do good things then why would he be good when he probably have things that pessimistic don't?

If that good person were to do a bad thing, then would he be bad even if he had been good?

If that bad person were to do a good thing, then would he be good even if he had been bad?

If someone good were to turn bad because of bad people using him to become good, then would he be good or bad?

If someone bad were to turn good because of using good people to become good, then would he be good or bad?

If someone were to be called good with doing things to gain, then would they be good by gaining things?

If someone were to be called bad by having things to gain in another way, then wouldn't they be good?

Bait

These goes on for forever, it wasn't like there could be an ending if nothing was done. I could dodge a few bullets but i'll still fall for the bait, the bait don't have to be visible, an imaginary one does the trick sufficiently.

Its cold and an unending twirl of crestfallen events often lead to a delusion among the illusion to follow or clarity to move away. But perhaps it's uncertainty is what makes it alluring, all the "what ifs" with all the "maybes."

It figures out in the end, everything done and dreamt becomes you, everywhere and every place reeks of you, every minute and every second consist of you. The bait's presence becomes too strong to ignore, soon enough you know you'll take the bait and slip to the bottomless trap once again.

The heart hurts because the mind believes its hurt, but then again what if, its the mind that hurts because its the heart that hurts. In the end, its in pain anyway, so if we acknowledge and recognize these as facts, why can't we stop it then?

Why does the brake became faulty and like a magnet attracts to you, tracing your every steps in the past, pointing out every single action you do and touching anything you did. Its too much of a mental torture.

I look at others with a green heart, looking at sweet couples all around, and then fantasize about every single romantic thing i had thought of with you, wasn't girls suppose to like that? Then why i never had the chance to prove it, you've seen me at my worst, then why can you believe in my best? If not, at least show me your worst and make me believe it, because how could i go if i think you're still the best?

If only i hadn't become stupid when i was around you, maybe then you'll think otherwise, then i probably won't be in this predicament, it was a seed still unbloomed but i'm a fool that wants to see it grow even when i clearly know it won't, i covered it with too much soil in the beginning, and i suppose its too late to savage what is left behind. I'm sorry that i'm such a fool

So what if you fought when you shouldn't?

So what if you fight when you are going to lose?

I'll probably become stupid if i see you once again, but i'll keep breaking if i don't...so?

i'll tell you, someday, somehow..

Now what?

Silently

We know but we don't say
its there yet we ignore
the distance has fray
but in dreams we adore

Obvious yet not to choose
Oblivious made to use
All outside would have seen
but in lies we chose to have been

We gave reasons in the start
To fill in the rights to it all
Perfectly crafted as an art
in truth a tale of tall

Prettier as it covers up
The more with our hands try to cup
Repeatedly as it is made
The more of a facade

Pages of dates flip and turned
Old with age we start to be
The lies we start burned
Blindness wear off and reality shows me

A joke i could have sworn to
An empty feeling we do
It was nothing like what we said
But just prolonged misery we paid

Cradle in me you did
I was a shelter but one
when there was a reason you hid
after its gone you're done

I'm sorry of how it changed
but so help me if i'm deranged
I'm over with the pretence
I'm sorry but i need some defense

A tool which requires no maintenance
Would be bound to break
A limit would take its stance
As no longer it stays its peak

Memory Archive

I had another one of the weird epic dreams that i usually had. I was playing basketball around school area, and apparently I saw someone was in immerse pain due to his ankle sprain when I was rushing to the toilet, I was begged to get some help from the office, I then started to run towards the office ignoring my urges to go to toilet. When i was on the way there, when i saw familiar faces, and its snsd, and of course i walked up to Sunny. I greeted her in korean, she was really nice and had a hair cut. I asked for a picture before i left but as i tried to press the camera button on my iphone but my hand trembled so much from shyness, i kept fumbling over the touches, pressing wrong buttons. She was so nice that she sat beside me on a bench, she waited for a very long time until she had to leave, for some reason, she was able to speak chinese to me, she told me that she had to go and rather than a photo maybe she could give me a momento instead. I agreed, she told me "I believe in you" and gave me a hi 5, pushing to my heart, gave me a smile and left.. Its a great dream.

Relapse

There was a problem in the process of getting over old broken pieces. Fear of getting yourself cut in the process always held you back in moving across, you strut your legs out but then retrieve it after the possibilities strikes your mind. There would be moments when you take a few steps, but you get yourself cut on those shimmering sullen blades, so you stay there to treat yourself or you jump right back to the start. After multiple attempts, pain, consideration, obligations, contemplation, acknowledgement. You finally stride over with your eyes close as you take the plunge through, for the brighter other side regardless of all the roller coaster tracks awaiting. You reached the end, you crossed every last piece of impurities, however, you find yourself too much in pain to walk any further, so you rest yourself at the tip of the end, regardless of the danger that you might be dragged back, a relapse back.

One of the requirement to finally get over a relationship would be to determine the other party to be as the "bad" person, regardless of whatever the condition, he/she would have to be the bad person, you have to start pointing your fingers at that person stating your regrets and his/her flaws. To get over someone, you have to stop convincing yourself, you have to start thinking about everything else except anything related to that person. But in the end, regardless of how far you get in the process, why does it have to be so vulnerable to relapses.

I got so close, I was doing everything right, I did everything I could, I forgot, I stopped, I restrained, I complained, I abused, I yelled, I accused but in the end, it was always the most insignificant things happening that dragged me back across everything, your single willingness to talk to me could crush me back. But no i don't want you to be the better of us two, i don't want you to be the good person in my eyes. i can't afford that again.

I'm not sure but i'm pretty certain that this ain't normal, this isn't how a normal person live. I was depressed over love troubles previously, so engrossed, so lost in it, but at least then i had something to be edged over for, i had the reason, i had the knowledge that someday i could tide things over, i managed to survive then like this, at least there were happy times among those demoralizing days, there were some people who still helped, i had less to worry about, knowing that if this didn't work out, someday i can move away, i know i could but just the definition of time would be strainously long.

Ever since i've totally let go of this love chasing game, i've been so tired, so lazy, so slack, so monotonous, it gets so bad that i pretty much just do nothing but think, but now that i don't want all those lovey stuff, things just upped a notch to my future, what was i to do, what was i to acheive, what was i surviving for, i was that sure of how i were living just to love someone, but that probably was wrong, now i've got no purpose in my life as i see it, i'm redundant in every aspect.

I seriously choke up these few days while watching some variety shows, they seem to have so much fun, they have so much going for them, they are so successful, they seem like its perfect, they seem perfect. But what am i, i can't do a thing that will bring me smiles, nothing seems right, its pathetic but what can i do.. I honestly don't know what to do, i don't get the meaning of life
I don't want to live but i'm too afraid of death too, I'm afraid that if i'm dead, its just eternal blackness, or maybe i get respawned again into someone else or just repeat my life.. I don't know what to do, i'm so scared, what do i do. I need help but i'm too afraid to ask from people, i need to know how am i going to live.
Somehow salvage me, bring serenity back

Days It wasn't like this when we were young, everything was bright, everything was bigger, everything was easier, everything was passed on to you, everything was made for you, everything was less of a chore.
Now everything just aged along with us and it became such a fuss everything, the more we we start noticing how much everything wasn't how you believed it to be. It wasn't fair but it isn't what you can do anything about.
In the end, what were we suppose to do, what were we to leave behind when we go, what were we to live for, it didn't make sense why were we here to live, we are so depress on the way to death and with each day, it kind of stays pointless. When we grow up, things just get worse and worse, its empty how it is. Living is pretty much pointless.

Right after these studying, we go to work, we work till we break and in the end we pretty much just stay pointless till death.

So can anyone tell me the point that we have to live... People really shouldn't give birth.

Empty
And somehow i'm not surprised anymore, every time i let down things, making a decision to perish with every ideals i had alternatively preset in the beginning, you'll appear in some coincidental dream of mine. This dreams appears to be my conscience and positivity that has seem to faded behind the habits of the greyed and smoked. Its always going to have something going on for me with you but like how it is, it exists only as a memoir from the dream.

Perhaps, it was really wrong to have went this path in the beginning and went that far out, missing all the exits split paths, and now i'm bound on this road straight down with no other way around it.. Its so far away, and i've been far away for far too long, because all i ever notice becomes how much empty spaces there seems to be around me, everything seems to have emptiness surrounding them, its so persistent and hesitant that its hard not to notice even for a second.
So by somehow, in this dream, you asked if i was in any relationship, i boldly told you no, because i was waiting for you all along, and you smiled... It was really regretful how i woke up before i could hear your reply to my question if you would give me a try after so long.. I so badly need to move on, but you're still somehow always infront

Signs
Wouldn't things be so much simpler with signs that caution us before we take a nose dive down anything that would end up as nothing near to great. It might divulge and remove that spice of it but at least we wouldn't feel the sting when we bitterly slam into the cold hard floor that was beyond all the false layers of realistic paper carpets. At least even we plunge into it, there was some restriction of how much we allow to be consumed and how much we reserved to revive ourselves.

And now as we grow up, each seemingly festive or major events that happen only once a year becomes another day that happens once a year, theres no more excitement to confine in, theres no more sudden adrenaline to make you stay up all night, theres no more texting of wishes, it becomes just another day, an ordinary day that you staged your enthusiasm and act out charades for others to see.

When we were young, there were warnings to be heard of all these happenings but there wasn't any signs to show it, we were young, innocent, naive, stupid, dumb and we wished to grow up and promised to never regret that. and now we are old, weary, tired, exhausted, despondent and all we hoped for was to return to the days where we complain about how we aren't getting old. Its a vicious cycle, a pyramid of misery, a chain of depressions.. If only, when we were young, our ambition was to be a child, then maybe then, we wouldn't have to grow up so fast, we wouldn't have to die inside so quickly.

It isn't right, when we were young, we were happy but we wished for something that would eventually come.
when we are old, we are broken yet what we wish for is something that couldn't be brought to be.
Losing you is like losing myself.. I can't, but i have..

Uncanny Sight
Doesn't how it seems weirdly horrifying that you might somehow be alone, walking as a single without a happy thought of someone else, without anyone that you might be able to talk to while you're feeling so crushingly flat while dragging your feet to your destination which you never seem to make it through wishing that you were in a different situation. Its time like this you start to suspect your own abilities and character which apparently is failing its job.

It was just a chance an opportunity that you see seemingly how everyone had theirs but it seems like the cupid had turned stupid and left you out. It wasn't fair. You gave all your soul and sold promises and exchanges for a return redemption that you never received. Was it alright for it to continue being this way, knowing how you'll soon to raise both hands in defeat? Was it really alright for you to stay denial of the rotted hope you've been clinging on for so long? Was it really alright for you to fight on searching and taking chances that leave you battered behind?

And what if this thing they called love so easily never really ceased to exist? Its almost assured how it might turn into a negativity breaking solution.
Its a complete recipe for disaster. It adds on a hopeful heart, alot of mental strength, selective amount of cash, most of your friends and probably a few buckets of well unspent time. And for the preparation, just crushed everything up and mix them all together with some unwilling tears and pain before pouring them into a garbage bag before serving.

I don't know about it anymore, its probably cynical and like typical of my age perhaps but what was the point of all these, Yes, i really want and maybe need another half of mine to fill in for everything i would really want to do for her. But after these years of being beat down after and after, i don't know if i can believe in this so called love anymore, i'm convinced of its non-existence and i'm just assured how things won't even work out. Its negative but after all these years of trying and never even reach a glimpse of it, its just too much, its too over the top, i've been saying i'm tired of it, i've been holding it back, brushing it off like it doesn't matter like everyone else but honestly what else is there left to see when i've got nothing else to give. I really have nothing more. I'm just an agonised deranged remains of the past. I'm sorry, i can't believe anymore.
Even the non-believers get burnt.. I was at the exact location, looking at the exact tree, being at the exact time, staying with the exact people, being on the exact date but only 5 years after. We were both young, so young that we both made mistakes, you thought you liked me or perhaps you wanted to hook me. And i made the mistake of not hooking you and hold you tight or perhaps saying no and never started this. Its too different now, I can't forget you... I fight to be in a relationship so much so i'll have the chance to kick you off my mind because its been 5 years and no, you still reside there. But you will never take me now.

Romance

Romance is something that everyone might take a really large part of their life searching for, but the question has always remained at why do we even search?

We give away so much for this relation hoping to gain a mutual development, but like a shares margin, the risk is high, way high. You could give this much and either gain that much or you could give this much and yet lose more than you ever chose to give.

Its really incomprehendable how when you begin to grow up, something inside just propels you to feel that having a relationship seems to be so essential, so much so that, everyone that hasn't found theirs yet slowly gets driven into depression regardless of their regards.

Theres so many reasons you could give for an explanation to that urge of being with that special one you've been eyeing for awhile now, that you've been putting the moves on but in the end, you find all the reasons invalid because theres always another alternative choice that you know but never seem to understand nor admit.

So in the end, is a relationship worth that much? Then which kind of relationship is worth it then. I, myself believe in trying out as many relationships as you're able to and just experience the differences in each, this way, you gain that much understanding of what are the things that are really important to you, you level up in the process as you learn how to manage it better with each passing one..

I know i really am a flirt, an easy target to be hooked. I met this girl today, and i'm already considering if i should try my luck with her, shes nice, shes pretty, shes laidback and shes probably over my league like everyone else.. I know theres 3 other that i think about with all honesty, but all i know is i'm pretty desperate for a relationship, the main reason being how i believe in experiencing relationship and yet i've seen and tried to help so many with none for myself.

And the truth behind it seems to be that in the end i'm still stuck at point one, unable to release myself from the hook i've moved in too deep to run. I need someone to overpower the hook and take me over, thats why i'm searching and trying pretty hard. But in the end I know, the results won't be any different any of the time. I'll fail and just stay as a single hopeless romance with myself

Friendship


I realized alot of things today, alot of things friendship can be.



Friendship is like highways, you can take the road yet you can't stop, there are exits along the way, yet if you're sure of your destination, you should go through it all the way.



Friendship is like traffic lights, its green and happy, it changes ember for awhile when you know things are amiss and it changes to red when you face them before it changes back to green again.



Friendship is like phone numbers, when you use them everyday, you remember it, once you remember it, you can hardly forget it, until you never use that number again, then you forget.



Friendship is like a cone, its hollow and with a small surface area at the top but its okay because the base of it is safe enough to support.



Friendship is like the sky, its bright and warm in the day like when you're together, when it turns night, its not as bright but its still always there waiting



Friendship is like a plant, if you plant it, you start to harvest it and when you're done, you either cut it off and end it or you take it and replant it.



Friendship is like clothes, theres so many ways of wearing it and taking it off, but you always have your favourite ways.



Friendship is like cameras, you could take as many photos as you want but without any constant uploading and charging, it doesn't have a use.


Friendship is like rainbows, there are so many boldly stood in front but the most beautiful one is still the one thats vague but still existent behind


Friendship is like love, but without the romantic intentions and without the obsession

Deciding Uncertainty
Some roads you see are bright and most of it paints out right before your vision, its a clear cut path with dusted concrete and all that is left is some footstep to be left on the smooth straight tiles.

Some roads are much different, you see it all cluttered, untamed, deserted, abandoned, dark, intimidating, its usually so deep in and so curvy that you can't tell how the course of road would lead.

Its usually so much easy to take the path which walks straight into things that you can expect things from, but no, you hardly ever take that path down because you're curious and so ever confident in the beginning, you take that godforsakened road thinking you'll make it out alive, thinking you'll conquer it regardless of its hazard.

It usually starts out okay even while taking some chances with the forked roads. Some people chose the right path and it leads them right out into an oasis of paradise, they got everything right but most people undermined this and takes the wrong one, and with each wrong turn, it brings you so much deeper into darker forest, all soon just to lose all the positivity they once had, it messes with your mind and take the liberty to screw with ever chance it gets.

To some point, you sit down with knees to your chest wondering whatever made you decide on this, and sometimes you'll wonder if you'll ever get out like how you see so many other does, you keep convincing that your luck wouldn't be that rotten to keep heading the wrong way but in the end, your path never stop being the mistakened one.
So in the end, what would you do?
What would you be?
For 6 weeks, i've knowingly and manipulating myself to avoid even pressing on your page or read whatever of you on my news feed, i got some bottom notch distraction that pulled some smiles back to me but tonight some nut of my brain asked me to just look back once more to convince that i'll finally be heading off now.. And the rest you could guess. No, i didn't even have to read your status, i didn't even have to stare at your photos, i realized the moment i clicked on your name, everything flowed back once again.. No floodgates i know of would be strong enough from stopping you, and boy do i hope to now, i can't forever get tsunamied back..

The Opposed
It appears to how much you're deny of the privilege, the more you tend to act up against that denial.

The more you're denied, The more you want to..

You know you weren't suppose to do it, you understood the fact that nothing good could come out of it, you know that you'll probably throw away much more then you would receive, You know all of these but in the end theres a maybe lying somewhere, a glimmer of hope that it would be different this time, a little light that you gain by deceit to yourself, and so you do it

The more you're restrained, The more you start to unleash

You've seen how it all went down countless of time yet this becomes a regular thing because of the fact that you're still searching, so each time you get a chance, you tell yourself, it might be the one, it would be the one time thats different, this one last try would work.. I guess noone can defy this because of the fact that you're still searching for the one.

The more you shouldn't, the more you would

Just now as i watched How i met your mother again, Stellar said something along the lines of "I know you're sick of waiting and its hard to ask you to wait alittle while longer or perhaps a longer period of time but she is walking her way to you too, as fast as possible."
It really gave me a smile when i thought of it, wouldn't that be nice, wouldn't that come true?

I know its a blind throw, I know its a distance that i can't reach but still i think i'm still letting myself fall in because i'm sick of being so stuck in my previous one.. Thats why i couldn't stop smiling last night, I expected it to be awkward but it turned out that you didn't mind talking to me.. At least for this 2 days. Maybe its different? i kind of doubt it

I seem to have a fetish for girls that i cannot have..
its weird how i paid attention to you for quite some time, look at your smile and tonight we finally talked and laughed, i fell in immediately, putting aside my misery for a new misery..
You have a boyfriend i heard, you probably see me as nothing but a collegue, so should i still say hi and inch my way nearer?
I'm sorry but having a boyfriend don't really stop me.. Doesn't see why it should, one day when you break up, then i'll be there still.. But how is the chance to hang around going to come..

Defectious
These days are really unbearable with you around, i want to grab your shirt and pull it towards me, but no not in a romantic fashion but i just want to get you stare at me then i can whisper " you are pissing me off these days, you better step off my tail, i don't mind if you have your crap that happens, i don't care if you have issues with me being with me or at least what used to be me even though there isn't a me to begin with.. if you're getting to get in my way, if you're preparing to stop whatever that i do, if you're really going to keep this up, then i won't care how close we once were, if you're going to play god that you love to put around your mouth so much, i would take on the role of satan then. Don't give me your excuses, i had my worst crap hanging up my ass this entire year and i still held it in, even when i had to blow, i don't go in your face.. If you want either tell someone even me, or suck it up since you rejected people who lent themselves to suffer for you..if you're still going to come intruding on me then i might just be unfriendly. "

We all have our imperfections, our defectious state but you don't burdenize it on others, its either you let others in or you keep it till you decay. I'm sorry but about the cruelity but its a truth you have to live with.

I found out it wasn't that i was used to bolting up everything but because there wasn't someone who sincerely wanted to hear it.. It wasn't that they couldn't do anything but it was because they don't care as much as they appear to be.. It wasn't that you had your own share of problems but it was because you simply just want people to listen to you and not vice versa.

...

You wished for something all the time yet those who had it threw theirs away, isn't it too early to be so judgemental, convictive and certain.. If you have the best present in the present then why because of the unfixed future to rip it apart, why let the yellowed past dull your sight..

Stories
Everyday just manifest into another stack of irony and events that you want to cry about that you eventually cramped you stomach and settled with a scoff.
You look at others plight and without hesitation compare to yours, wondering why they get to share theirs and yours are just left visibly buried, thinking why you have problems yet you help them knowing it'll never be a vice-versa thing..

Some situations as you hear them out, you secretly rather to be in that then your current situation. You look at them weird and wonder whats going in their mind when they have such great things going on and yet they push it aside then away while you get stuck with all the self proclaimed misery without a chance to even get a breather out of that.
You hear their stories and you think its just not fair.. You stare at them knowingly its a different genre of choice but still, you believe how much better you can do and be better off with that..

You listen but you don't get the story.
You listen but you're far too prejudiced.
You listen but you're absorbed into your own.
You listen but you can't help to relate back to yours.
You listen but its too bad that ain't you.

I don't know if it was an intentional attempt or an accidental attempt to actually inflict some hurt to others but a little through it i couldn't carry it all the way with those guilt tugging on my conscience.. Did i became too absorbed into other's emotion, did i became brainwashed and moulded that way, did i started like this.. I can't remember.. But damn i really want to make it so someone will bleed and it don't matter who.. why can't i do it. I'm going insane with these angst..Why do i think of you..Why do i still need you..