I'm not sure but i'm pretty certain that this ain't normal, this isn't how a normal person live. I was depressed over love troubles previously, so engrossed, so lost in it, but at least then i had something to be edged over for, i had the reason, i had the knowledge that someday i could tide things over, i managed to survive then like this, at least there were happy times among those demoralizing days, there were some people who still helped, i had less to worry about, knowing that if this didn't work out, someday i can move away, i know i could but just the definition of time would be strainously long.

Ever since i've totally let go of this love chasing game, i've been so tired, so lazy, so slack, so monotonous, it gets so bad that i pretty much just do nothing but think, but now that i don't want all those lovey stuff, things just upped a notch to my future, what was i to do, what was i to acheive, what was i surviving for, i was that sure of how i were living just to love someone, but that probably was wrong, now i've got no purpose in my life as i see it, i'm redundant in every aspect.

I seriously choke up these few days while watching some variety shows, they seem to have so much fun, they have so much going for them, they are so successful, they seem like its perfect, they seem perfect. But what am i, i can't do a thing that will bring me smiles, nothing seems right, its pathetic but what can i do.. I honestly don't know what to do, i don't get the meaning of life
I don't want to live but i'm too afraid of death too, I'm afraid that if i'm dead, its just eternal blackness, or maybe i get respawned again into someone else or just repeat my life.. I don't know what to do, i'm so scared, what do i do. I need help but i'm too afraid to ask from people, i need to know how am i going to live.
Somehow salvage me, bring serenity back