Unfair
Its not fair.. Why was it even sucuumbed to this. Why do i have to just go away despite knowing that i could do so much better.
Its not fair how i always tend to drown myself with doses of misery because of you and you could get away without any of me reaching you.
Its not fair when i lose my smile and you get to keep yours even though its staged.
Its not fair what i lost before it even started.
Its not fair where my heart lies regardless how it never got through.
Its not fair how i break and you carry on like nothing happens
Its not fair why i still harbour these feelings even when i try to throw them away
Its not fair that i keep wanting to have one more last try and in the end it never even comes.
Its not fair that you're not fair.

I watched a commercial that taught how to get the yes from a girl through the types of horoscopes personalities, as always i got most engross when its the part of pisces and if there was god or fate or destiny or whatever it must be toying with me.. It was said that to get a pisces yes, you have to keep on trying and soon it would come. Are you honestly shitting me? i don't even get you to look in my eyes, i don't even get you to look even at me, i don't even get you to talk to me, i don't even get to love you..

It just isn't fair how this all is, its even more unjust if it does end this way.. i tried to take reality and it didn't sit well.. Is this really how it end?

I sound like some kid perhaps lots of times i do but i don't know where else to ask these things..
no one could do anything, and no one honestly want to listen to it because no one really give a crap in all truth and honesty
Fuck it. It isn't fair.. Life isnt fair but how is it that this whole thing doesn't even get any justice

Beyond
Its suppose to be over
If theres no exit in the end, and you get all battered and torn through the way, you broke a few things, changed the path with the footstep you imprint while you look for solace in your journey, then what happens when you realize that theres no further road down for you to take..

Thats right, it was the secret field of wonders that lays beyond of that wall that towers over you but if there wasn't a way in since it blocks you out completely, what is there left to do even when you traveled that far..

What should there be beyond the adjournment of this,
What is the motivation left when you notice that it disappeared,
What would be the significance be as the fire extinguishes,
What is there left to do when your purpose is gone..
What should you do.. What could you do.. What would you do.. What do you do.
What happens after that?
It feels like i lost it all, i know how i sound, but what am i suppose to do now.. I can't get over it and i got no other way to turn towards, I can't find any distractions.. What was the point to all these if i was left with no way out and about..

Relinquished
It was a really laughable thing.. After 5 years of brooding and hovering on the topic of you, it all came boiling down to the same thing, i knew there wasn't even a chance, considering that there was no conversation but more of a question and answer.. I never wanted to admit it but there wasn't a topic to even start on, there was nothing between us, even if we did, you always ended things before even things started.. It was ironic to see how little was done despite the length of time..
I always realized yet i always pushed it to the back of everything else, mainly the feelings i had for you, but i now had no choice as there was no where else left to push it to, i stared upfront and painfully take in how much of a pointlessness it had evolved to, you had rather entertain others much more unworthy of your attention.. Perhaps it was how we are so much similiar, we both hardly talk about our own agenda and paramours.. And that became our downfall for it severely reduced anything that was possible to share and comfort..
On that night, as i gave up creating conversation i gave up any hopes of trying i had managed to savage, i closed my eyes as i try to close my heart, i told myself vindicatively that it should be over, it should finally be relinquished, if i couldn't entertain you, then i can never succeed in securing any of your feelings despite the time, money, gift, concern, feelings i gave even though i am still obstinate about the fact that i could easily triumph any of your previous paramours, i am still convinced that i could be the best you ever have and the only one you would ever need..
So I gave it up that night..I truly decided to.

It would have ended if life didn't love to play.. but the fact that it did pulled me deeper a day later.. With my means of coping to truly migrate from your life, i slept really early the following day, And a blasphemy it was for i only recalled the reason why i became nocturnal over the years, the early i slept, the more dreams of you came haunting... And often it was always about how we would be together and it was always everything more that i would even imagine.. Thus i woke up a few hours into the night.. I sat down for some peace and serendity, I wasn't sure when i begun typing a message to you in my phone, i compressed alot of my confessions into this message i never meant or even think of sending it.. yet by some chance it was send regardless.. If i were to regret something of my lifetime, this would probably top it.. I never should have.. I didn't know what to do, i didn't dare to see your reply.. With disorientation, I shattered with confusion and negative ecstacy..

But of course, there was no reply from you.. And damn it for everytime it happens, i spite the wall you constructed between you and me, everytime i dug a hole, you just cover it back as if you were ignorant.. the fact of how you always avoided me as i kept slamming into that wall kept me coming, i'm hooked by you and i can't escape by myself.. I can't stand it, I can't accept it, I can't take the fact of you never saying no to me.. You push me away but you don't say no...
And now what am i suppose to do..
I want someone to share a long strand of cheese with me, i want someone to drink from a straw from the same glass, I want someone that i could cuddle under the umbrella, I want someone that i could put my jacket over, I want someone that i could hold and take in her smell, I want someone who i could do all the things of my imagination, I want someone's hand to hold, I want someone to playfully wrestle with, I want someone's hair to brush over her ears, I want someone to dance with me under the moonlight, I want someone that I could lie down with in the middle of a field, I want someone to look me in they eyes up close and smile, I want someone that smile would be infectious to me, I want someone to tell me the same when i finally tell her i love you.. I want that someone to be you.. but i guess it won't be you...

I Don't Get It
Honestly, what do i talk about?
recently i realize when i'm with anyone, i seem to have so little topic to talk about, other than divulging in problems what else were there for me to chatter about? what were all the little small talks? others seem to just indulge in conversations easily with all their superbly incredible knowledge of things, making others crack up with little spice jokes at times but how do they do that?
What did i used to talk about? What did i always speak with? Why do some people still stick with me regardless of such a bore i am.. I don't remember being unable to talk with ease.. I thought i would always be able to rid of the awkwardness..

what does he do with you? all he does is to self pitify himself, seeking pity for himself from you, its pathetic, it makes me want to crack his skull open and break his neck.. His talk is always about him isn't it? it is just things of how "screwed up" his life is wasn't it? Then why do you entertain him? The fact that you still entertain his damn pathetic melodramatic speech yet you could bring yourself to ignore me just ticks me off..
just let me rupture every part of his organs and end his proclaimed miserable life for him for the better.. I Just Don't Get It

What part of me that isn't comparable with him? i'm not self praising nor bragging but i am definitely better in all aspect as i see.. is it because he studied with you thus closer to you? this is so unfair.. i don't understand.. i don't get it..

Irradical
It was pathetic, irradical, pitiful, irrational of how always brief encounters seems to have an impact far greater that what it seemingly seems to be capable of containing.
Maplestory has been my latest form of distraction from things i tend to repress back to the depths of my mind regardless of its success, yes perhaps its childish for most on lookers but you would be suprised at the effect of the process.. It worked so well that i would fill my mind just with things related to it.. I could repress things, force them back into that little box that i like to put away at times..
But with that brief encounter, that smile with a wave, everything just broke free and slammed back right into my face, the three weeks i spent night and day trying and succeeding, all succumbed in just that few seconds..
Honestly i don't know the real reason for all those negativity and the urge to just avoid you.. I don't understand it and theories that i have seems to all have their loopholes.. Yes i still like her a whole lot but then why do i run.. Yes it has been so long it could be awkward but shouldn't i be trying still.. Yes we're both with friends but a few second to say hi and just ask how we're doing won't take that long.. Yes it demolished my plans yet it could be savaged if i had pretty damn well stood there and waited..

And once again it don't make any sense, its erradically laughable..
and yes i just posted on your wall, now i feel so much lamer than i felt before.. i'm really a piece of work. I'm sorry even though i don't know what i'm sorry for.. I'm just so sorry.. i'm sorry.. i'm sorry i'm just so sorry..

If i wanted to love you, if i wanted a chance, if i needed you then why do i run.. if i wanted to run, if i wanted to get away, if i needed to forget then why do i regret?
I really need to know what to do.. I really want to know what to do.. but who would.. who could.. who should but you

The Right yet The Opposed
Did you ever say things to convince others on how much they should do something, giving advices that supposingly to be the right logic yet at the same time it opposes everything that you have been doing?

We all know what was to be done, its easy to say it out for others, but even with the understanding, it was too hard to execute this "right thing to do".. You could see it in other's situation but yet never in your own situation..

But if its the right thing to do, then why is it so hard to do so.. If its what others should do, then why is it impossible for yourself to... If its that which might just solve most of the problems, allowing you have the answer, then why does the hand gets hung in midair before retracting it back to the side..

I said,
its stupid to not try everything if you're damn sure going to regret not doing so, then try it, try some more if its not enough..
If you're unsure then think of how hard is it to actually 'love' someone, then was it worth it to accept the fact of their departure so easy..
If you're still in 'love' with someone then wouldn't you be sure that no one else could 'love' like the enormous amount that you do?
If you said that its no use due to that person's rejection with refusal, then shouldn't you still persist to make it happen knowing that no one else would 'love' as much as you would ever do and knowing that you could be the best he/she would ever have?
If you're not sure about being the best then you ought to since if you 'loved' then you would do anything.. and with all human ego in participation, you would naturally believe the fact that no one else is capable of what you are capable of..
If you are still unsure of the fact then it brings us back to the top of this lines..

Yeah.. I believe all these are right.. but then why is my actions so opposing?
I'm right yet opposed..
i pushed and pushed back after i failed to push forward, the further i push back, the harder it gets to bring it all out again.. how am i even going to be confident that i'll be able to make you happy, i'm more worried that i would be the cause your bore and cringe as i'm worried that you wouldn't accept me..

2 Is Better than 1
Had a "class" gathering chalet, with as much reluctancy to turn up, eventually i did regardlessly despite my foretold awkwardness and weirdness due to being in a chalet with people that i never really even spoken to.. But appparently it didn't turn out that bad, it was okay i guess..

Yesterday as a few couples turn up, i begun to spite, the closer they get together, the more time i see them together, the more talk they exchange, the more i wanted to shut my eyes and leave for the cynical pretended happy land.. As time went by, a swell like feeling sprouted and grew through my chest cutting off my air, my tongue twitched with sourness despite how much honey i added to the food.. During the ungodly hours we blasted music in the room and sang crookedly along, the more song i hear, the more i remember what was washed away by the relaxed surface of the environment, the more i want to be left alone.. I stayed in the room by myself, just repeating the question of my inadequancy and wondering how would my final plan take its place.. I left once for almost a good hour, i sat by the pool side, picturing everything i could be with you around, then i took a walk around the park with everything that could go wrong.. I was plugged in with music but what its thoughts that drowned me instead of the music.. I somehow now wonder if i'm just in need of a relationship or just you... It just ain't easy being alone while watching others get together.. Its confusing to see how others break up with sorrow, i just can't comprehend it.. I still believe 2 is better than 1..

It just doesn't make sense