Relinquished
It was a really laughable thing.. After 5 years of brooding and hovering on the topic of you, it all came boiling down to the same thing, i knew there wasn't even a chance, considering that there was no conversation but more of a question and answer.. I never wanted to admit it but there wasn't a topic to even start on, there was nothing between us, even if we did, you always ended things before even things started.. It was ironic to see how little was done despite the length of time..
I always realized yet i always pushed it to the back of everything else, mainly the feelings i had for you, but i now had no choice as there was no where else left to push it to, i stared upfront and painfully take in how much of a pointlessness it had evolved to, you had rather entertain others much more unworthy of your attention.. Perhaps it was how we are so much similiar, we both hardly talk about our own agenda and paramours.. And that became our downfall for it severely reduced anything that was possible to share and comfort..
On that night, as i gave up creating conversation i gave up any hopes of trying i had managed to savage, i closed my eyes as i try to close my heart, i told myself vindicatively that it should be over, it should finally be relinquished, if i couldn't entertain you, then i can never succeed in securing any of your feelings despite the time, money, gift, concern, feelings i gave even though i am still obstinate about the fact that i could easily triumph any of your previous paramours, i am still convinced that i could be the best you ever have and the only one you would ever need..
So I gave it up that night..I truly decided to.

It would have ended if life didn't love to play.. but the fact that it did pulled me deeper a day later.. With my means of coping to truly migrate from your life, i slept really early the following day, And a blasphemy it was for i only recalled the reason why i became nocturnal over the years, the early i slept, the more dreams of you came haunting... And often it was always about how we would be together and it was always everything more that i would even imagine.. Thus i woke up a few hours into the night.. I sat down for some peace and serendity, I wasn't sure when i begun typing a message to you in my phone, i compressed alot of my confessions into this message i never meant or even think of sending it.. yet by some chance it was send regardless.. If i were to regret something of my lifetime, this would probably top it.. I never should have.. I didn't know what to do, i didn't dare to see your reply.. With disorientation, I shattered with confusion and negative ecstacy..

But of course, there was no reply from you.. And damn it for everytime it happens, i spite the wall you constructed between you and me, everytime i dug a hole, you just cover it back as if you were ignorant.. the fact of how you always avoided me as i kept slamming into that wall kept me coming, i'm hooked by you and i can't escape by myself.. I can't stand it, I can't accept it, I can't take the fact of you never saying no to me.. You push me away but you don't say no...
And now what am i suppose to do..
I want someone to share a long strand of cheese with me, i want someone to drink from a straw from the same glass, I want someone that i could cuddle under the umbrella, I want someone that i could put my jacket over, I want someone that i could hold and take in her smell, I want someone who i could do all the things of my imagination, I want someone's hand to hold, I want someone to playfully wrestle with, I want someone's hair to brush over her ears, I want someone to dance with me under the moonlight, I want someone that I could lie down with in the middle of a field, I want someone to look me in they eyes up close and smile, I want someone that smile would be infectious to me, I want someone to tell me the same when i finally tell her i love you.. I want that someone to be you.. but i guess it won't be you...