Infront
I know that i tend to see things more than it is, tend to over-react, tend to over-think, tend to over-do.. These tendency might not be positive at all, yet the meaning behind it all is most certainly supposed to be even though it doesn't turn out that way..
You might question why every little thing i have to be that way? in all reflection and refraction, it was a matter of accumulation, though how minor something could be, it could still easily ignite that flame which was created by the stack of flints thrown there..

I most certainly isn't the most understanding, patient, calm, level-headed person i used to be, but i do still try regardless of how much i now think that it is useless for all those, how mundane was it to do it...

I really rather not think of it this way that by this crash i took could turn everything about so quickly, there was such a long road left to travel yet i can't foresee anything infront, thus unable to see how much else i could evolve into..
Everyday i get contradicted by how i want to be a jerk that nothing bothers me and i could screw people up for the sake of my own and how i still retain that bit of me that still want to try..

Yes I still wouldn't mind to listen to all the problems anyone has, i really wouldn't bother you about my stuff considering how you are already engulf in your own despair and anguish but it wouldn't hurt much to at least present some concern out knowing that i was never fine... You always say that you care... usually i don't say anything... but when i do you never seem to listen... and the thing that irks me the most is how you compare our problems.. its an apple and orange comparison but no.. your situation is the most despondent in comparison..how much i wanted to laugh.. but at least i understood how my feelings could never be like yours and neither yours could be like mine..

Avalanche

Its so strong I don't remember how it came to this point, it isn't how it was suppose to be or was it? I never thought nor wanted it to snowball into this stage.. I've repeated all these words as i've heard them, i should stop, let it go, just forget it... But all it did was to avalanche, the feeling and that torment just grew.. I don't want pity, needed none of those.. I know i repeat all these all the time but none of it was ever sufficient.. I want to talk about it, I want to be asked about it, but i can never say it out, never get it through, theres nothing anyone could do... I loved her, and I broke..I saw her smile and i smiled then i got jealous.. I saw her frown, I frowned then i felt like we were the same..

Even if we were the same, we couldn't share, we couldn't start....

I really hate to be this miserable and pathetic but whenever i think of you, everything else seems to degrade into nothing..

My parents told me if i sleep earlier she have a gift that she thinks i really would like for me.. but.. I really can't.. I so much dread to even wakeup, at least in the night, no one sees me like this... I'm sorry.. i really am..

That day as i ate cherries one after the other, i realized how if was just like everything else..

So sweet, so satisfying as you sink your teeth through the juicy body but as you slowly devour it,you reached the seed

The seed bitter, poisonous to a certain extend.. Mostly unedible nor digestable.. like how things that were great ends with the memory that never even if you try, leave traces behind.. Damn it.

Was it really wrong to ever liked you? I said i would never doubt it but.. What the hell am i now?

Un-Over
It was all suppose to wear off today..

It was about 4 days ago when I honestly started studying, I was in a panic mood, fervourish studying for 3 days straight.. The overall reason was to try savaging any possiblility of my grades..

I got so hungry at night because i was over crazed with cramming, I became agitated and resented everything that didn't go well, i slept with that resentment and woke up unmaturedly with the aches and dizzied mind..

I got so tired all these while that I got sick of everything, i was tensed in everywhere, the chest was insufferable, it was just intoxicating to breathe, it ached everywhere, it took everything..

My studying mood is terrifying to myself even i suppose, with my studious front, i could refuse to utter a single word, close everything down with a staged smile, avoid everyone that was from the same course, drown myself in notes and music, It was empty..

But today is the last day of exams.. So it should all be over, that tiredness, that suffocation in the chest.. Yet it didn't..

I guess every word is a show and every action is for the drama..

"I lay awake again, my body's feeling paralyzed, I can't remember when I didn't live through this disguise, the words that you said to me couldn't set me me free, so i'm stuck here in a life i didn't ask for.. There must be something more.."

"Making all kinds of silence, it takes alot to realize, its worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie.. As long as i can feel you holding on, I won't fall, even if you said i was wrong.."
"I'm not perfect, but i keep trying, because thats what i said i would do from the start.. I'm not alive if i'm lonely, so please don't leave, was it something that i said or just my personality.."

i know i can't breathe because of you..your feelings still lay the impact of me after so long, everything i think you felt, the fustrations doubled...I need my distraction, I need a distraction.. A distraction to stop me from you..

The Tainted
Once to be strikingly purge
fell to the anguish surge

a shade of tint overcast

periodically it taints fast

/

As it once belong to the purified

matured, convert and overcasts

Single with each day petrified

a shell moted cleared with dusts

/

Come like it always does

with a trance without the trace

the single rhytm fueled with craze

paradox with love or the darker lust

/

A warning attracts to retract

for the smiles in shows are only for show

Deluded by the promises i believed the fact

but a series of events turned it cold..

/

Since then theres nothing left inside

a shell, a skin, a body with nothing to hide

the trust deteriorated so did the soul

where the heart was now left only with a hole

/

An angel lucified to the taunt of the worst

existence cease to be one but a tainted one

so used to the abyss that now it want

the angels console but it blinds like a curse

I don't know when it came to this point, when did it avalanched here.. It just seem that you're all so great.. too great for my soulfully tainted self.. Like how angels and demons could never mix.. It soon feels like i shouldn't too... I no longer liked being rightious.. likewise you all never believed in evil.. you all are just too blinding to me now..for my wings are already painted black.. I'm sorry..you guys are just honestly too pure...