HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAMELA!!

yeaaaa, you're old now.... and i suck at all this kinda stuff, so HAPPY BIRDDAY..

I don't know what to post, and i'm kinda lazy, so heres a really gay photo of Firdaus with Jenny

Start Of The Worse
I really hate how i've become, so cynical, confused, lost, hateful, unmotivated, scheming, doubtful, egoistic, unfeeling, two-sided... I'm not saying that i wasn't before just that it just accumulates up and now its kind of evolved into a full fledged problem, i find fault with everything, thinking selfishly, being ego and everything.. I think that perhaps thats why i'm feeling an increasingly scale of distant from the people around me, i'm no one great to begin with and just became worse. I'll like to blame all thats happen, everyone that let me down, they who shattered my fragility and unraveled the demon inside, those who turned my days upside down and lastly those that scrooges upon my beliefs and trust..
SAVE ME
But i can't knowing that in others life i play these parts, i tried to be my best, i tried to be your best, i tried to be perfect but now i really find that nothing was worth it, because nothing i do would be good enough, no matter how much i throw away myself it didn't matter, regardless of how much it pains me to do those things its taken as nothing, everything seems to be so nonchalant, like it didn't happen and yet i could possibly the same
SAVE ME
I'm really not surprised if i get a split ego personality as i try to keep the understanding side, the one that searches for all possibilities to explain but the one looking down on others, trying to gain supremacy, just blaming it on others and being superficial, is slowly taking over..
SAVE ME
I am aware of all those yet i cannot stop it.. i am too tired to do so, after all these years, i think i'm finally crumbling, i can't be mr nice guy after all, i can't be the good person i always tried to be, i can't make a change from how i always wanted to be the bad guy, i really can't.. I no longer have the strength to keep up... I want to end it all, I really do.. but i'm not that selfish, thats why i hope theres really a 2012
SAVE ME
They always say, i don't have to be strong, they always claim, i don't have to do things at my own expense, they always state, i don't have to be anyone else, they always believe, i can go by my own beliefs.. but in all truth and honesty is all false and lies. I can't in reality after all even if I want to..
SAVE ME
I don't know what i want, I can't find what i need, I won't do what i have and I shouldn't continue what i think..
SAVE ME take me away, end this me..i despise myself..
I might be appear that I'm always fine with listening to all of you, but secretly inside, i wish i could be asked till i open up, even though i never could find things to say to others... I actually do not want to listen too all your stories, because at least you all have your stories yet i seem to have lost mine.. But don't get me wrong, i still want to be of help to you by being your listening ear even though i respond well enough, just that i'm overwhelmed at how it always becomes about you, i'm not hinting for you to change but i'm just telling you i can no longer feel like telling anyone anything now.. Sometimes i wish that i could be obsessed with something so at least i'll be able to like something rather than just be bothered by every single thing around me.. i'm sorry for never asking most of the time, i don't know why but its not that i'm insensitive to your feelings just that i always thought that you'll tell me if you need it though i know myself that sometimes you'll want others to actually ask with their hearts..
Tears are soaking my laptop now, I sometimes really need a long hug and tell me things are really gonna be alright even if it isn't, i just need it no matter what i do or say.. Its really difficult to always cry alone for about 8 years without anyone knowing.. i'm relieved at the very least since i hadn't seen my tears since 3years ago.. I'm not asking or appearing to be pathetic for some pity but i'm just asking to give me times to get over this somehow...

Missing Dramatical Acting

Two days ago, i returned to PCSS for my drama juniors camp, i look at the fresh faces as well as my direct juniors that went through every part of my endeavours. I began to reminsce how great it was then, all sec 4 and all of the drama times, it seemed like such fun and ease, far from everything now. We worked hard at the same time played hard, went for events and won some of it, raised from the ashes.. I really miss the days of acting, one of something i enjoyed doing with our drama team, one of my stress reliever, one of my openings.

Probably then you'll ask then why don't you join a drama group, well theres 3 reasons mainly

1. I'm afraid i'm not commited enough as i do not have lots of time left, i'll be stuck with practice and probably have a lifeless life

2. I'm afraid that theres politics in the new beginning like all does and the outsiders definitely would be harder to get along, especially when i'll be the freshman

3. I'm afraid that I'm just not good enough..

Perhaps i shall somehow try someday..

With Time
Everything seems to fade away into nothingless along with time, life,habits,thoughts,feelings,demental,denial,willingness,smiles,depression, everything...

These days, i suddenly find myself with nothing i resembled of previously.. I lost pretty much everything, dropped the charades, became someone without any answers and without a care, i know that it wasn't great but i've already built layers of bricks around me, secluding myself.. I don't know why, I can't find the reasons, i can't find any motivation, i don't find anything in my life anymore... I guess its expected since the one reason i didn't want to forget you is because i'll forget the myself i liked

Well i'm really unmotivate to blog as my camera has been repeatedly stolen away by me by others by which they have to use it by then they return by which i upload the picture by then it'll be unmotivating already.
I could somehow block your thoughts now.. But when i see your pictures, it comes flooding back

Apologize

I'm sorry.. It got all caught up and was all wrong, you got pissed and so did i, it was a little thing and that was also why i got fustrated.. It was a game supposingly to enjoy, to curse at and to survive in, yet not to a serious fight.. It happened and so inside i thought, that was our friendship that fragile for you to get pissed at, and led to arguments, obviously i'm not that best you've got but i supposed and thought there was something worth more than that, i've listened and you've heard, i've punched and you've pinched, i've smiled and you've laughed, i've gossiped and you've rumoured but at the moment, it seemed to dispersed and didn't matter.. A small matter blown bigger, the first serious pissed argument we had, and neither of us were willing to let our egos down, i couldn't honestly, not because i got angry at the fact of you, but it just seemed to me, you had to prove me wrong and couldn't let go, it did pain me to see you like that, always complaining but still always grasping the thin air, so much that you delude yourself into negativity, I knew all these but i couldn't do a thing as always. I couldn't let it down, that breath i had to get it out, but it came out wrong and it became a bickering over a game which i've experienced and quitted, so it blew even bigger, perhaps so big that we've drifted apart in that few minute, perhaps when we hear or see each other things might get awkward.. It wasn't fair but i guess it was so. But I didn't want to see it go like that, seeing it just distant away, so i'm saying sorry and wish that none of that ever happens.

I stayed silent wasn't because i was angry but because i was holding back my cries, I just didn't know what to do.
I don't know why but it was always easy to apologize, to let my ego down but when it comes to things that truly mattered, i couldn't..

Energyless

Sometimes, it isn't easy just to be there whenever you need me and to stay as far away as possible when you didn't want me...

Somebody said it was because you wanted me to be there when you needed me and yet you didn't want me to be a part of you...

You wanted my care, you needed my help, you seeked for my comfort, you found me there with outstretched arms, you made your way around me, But you didn't want me, you didn't need me.
I don't always have the energy to take you for a ride with me and letting you go without any qualms about it, I won't always have the strength to cover all you dark skies on my back, I can't always lit up forever... I'm sorry for i truly am really not that sacrificing enough for you...perhaps its the shadow of her in my eyes


Maybe, it isn't the love that is crippling me, but the rejection of the scale like it didn't even mattered, like how it is always supposed to be without my knowing, like its a stage of stereotype of how i would never be taken into the point of consideration, like i was someone only there for your humor...


You could open your eyes, but you still could never see my frowns
you could listen through your ears, but you still could never hear my truth
you could start to talk, but you still could still never understand my thoughts
you could begin to smell, but you could still never smell my tears
you could touch to feel, but you still never feel my love.


It was funny how it seemed like we did somehow clicked, but perhaps the sound was from an outer medium that meant other things than what i've thought.. And come to think of it, never was a time that i truly believed we would be on the same page.


Its not that i didn't like you, its just that you needed too much that i didn't had to offer and you didn't want anything that i had too much to give..


I've said a thousand lines of scripted lies, so no longer my conceptual would be clear of truth and false, but i'm trying of doing it as you wish, to exist only for the disappearence.


Because everytime i tried, i was already doomed and deemed to fail. So in the end like always, i resigned to the fact. I can't, I don't, I shouldn't talk to her, but i still liked her..
I think i truly did loved her and i think you truly interest me. My feelings for her is just by far uncomparable as for mine to you..
But it doesn't matter did it? In the end neither of you wanted me at all..

Entanglement
Really busy with school these days and most things aren't going the way i would like it to be, you might say its normal but its more than easy to accept that. Nothing seems that bright currently and i don't expect it to change anytime..

So it sometimes pay to be all hard and cold... It might be easier that way...
but to love, its hard to play hard to get..and you won't understand...