Start Of The Worse
I really hate how i've become, so cynical, confused, lost, hateful, unmotivated, scheming, doubtful, egoistic, unfeeling, two-sided... I'm not saying that i wasn't before just that it just accumulates up and now its kind of evolved into a full fledged problem, i find fault with everything, thinking selfishly, being ego and everything.. I think that perhaps thats why i'm feeling an increasingly scale of distant from the people around me, i'm no one great to begin with and just became worse. I'll like to blame all thats happen, everyone that let me down, they who shattered my fragility and unraveled the demon inside, those who turned my days upside down and lastly those that scrooges upon my beliefs and trust..
SAVE ME
But i can't knowing that in others life i play these parts, i tried to be my best, i tried to be your best, i tried to be perfect but now i really find that nothing was worth it, because nothing i do would be good enough, no matter how much i throw away myself it didn't matter, regardless of how much it pains me to do those things its taken as nothing, everything seems to be so nonchalant, like it didn't happen and yet i could possibly the same
SAVE ME
I'm really not surprised if i get a split ego personality as i try to keep the understanding side, the one that searches for all possibilities to explain but the one looking down on others, trying to gain supremacy, just blaming it on others and being superficial, is slowly taking over..
SAVE ME
I am aware of all those yet i cannot stop it.. i am too tired to do so, after all these years, i think i'm finally crumbling, i can't be mr nice guy after all, i can't be the good person i always tried to be, i can't make a change from how i always wanted to be the bad guy, i really can't.. I no longer have the strength to keep up... I want to end it all, I really do.. but i'm not that selfish, thats why i hope theres really a 2012
SAVE ME
They always say, i don't have to be strong, they always claim, i don't have to do things at my own expense, they always state, i don't have to be anyone else, they always believe, i can go by my own beliefs.. but in all truth and honesty is all false and lies. I can't in reality after all even if I want to..
SAVE ME
I don't know what i want, I can't find what i need, I won't do what i have and I shouldn't continue what i think..
SAVE ME take me away, end this me..i despise myself..
I might be appear that I'm always fine with listening to all of you, but secretly inside, i wish i could be asked till i open up, even though i never could find things to say to others... I actually do not want to listen too all your stories, because at least you all have your stories yet i seem to have lost mine.. But don't get me wrong, i still want to be of help to you by being your listening ear even though i respond well enough, just that i'm overwhelmed at how it always becomes about you, i'm not hinting for you to change but i'm just telling you i can no longer feel like telling anyone anything now.. Sometimes i wish that i could be obsessed with something so at least i'll be able to like something rather than just be bothered by every single thing around me.. i'm sorry for never asking most of the time, i don't know why but its not that i'm insensitive to your feelings just that i always thought that you'll tell me if you need it though i know myself that sometimes you'll want others to actually ask with their hearts..
Tears are soaking my laptop now, I sometimes really need a long hug and tell me things are really gonna be alright even if it isn't, i just need it no matter what i do or say.. Its really difficult to always cry alone for about 8 years without anyone knowing.. i'm relieved at the very least since i hadn't seen my tears since 3years ago.. I'm not asking or appearing to be pathetic for some pity but i'm just asking to give me times to get over this somehow...