A Cycle




So it goes like this,



1. You were perfectly fine in your life, you have a square instead of the regular triangle, its easy to balance, you got your life filled with friends and family.. you have fun, naively and innocent you survive without much that induce mental, spiritual pain and suffering. You smile and think of ways to play about some more and how bad is your school.

2. You get introduce to the term love instead of like in the beginning, you see it in others and on the television before you begin wondering how its like and how does it go about, you're curious and unaware of how big the term love is, you start to notice people of the opposite sex, mainly those who you find attractive at that point of life.. This time, you still enjoy your innocent fun, teasing people for their attention, never even regard the thought of getting together, its the point where you see and thats all that is to it.. The slight touch of uncomfortable kicks in with the want to see how u and that girl you pick gets together, yet you never do.

3. You watch everyone around you get together, all the lovely dovey of premature level with the unclear meaning of that so big term yet commonly used word called "love". Your hormones kick in by this time and gets envious of others, these 2 factors develop your urge to have a relationship, you talk about it shyly and sometimes deny it infront of the girl, sometime later after carrying out the teasing that you've learnt to gain attention before you actually confessed in an unromantic way, hoping that a jackass like yourself can be like the others but you phrase it as "i love you". Well chances are rare that you actually do, you learn by then reciprocation isn't something that comes by easily and though you fight for that chance as taught by your friends, you fought on to find that there isn't any result. Your sadness and mind starts to take over a tiny part of you as you brainwash yourself that you really like that person and the negativity takes over as well. But at this stage, friends and family is pretty much all of it, fun was the element you're still searching for.

4. You probably fall deeply mesmerized by the period of time unless you're a major deushbag that is the center of attraction and have no lack of people that admires you, your heart tends to virtually feel the strings being pulled with every action, but the childish ways of yours still never change, you carry on the annoying process of wooing, thinking that you do everything possible for that person, you get all extravagant with your approaches and unafraid to voice out your feelings to your friends but a confession is still hard to come so you try to express it through actions and carefully wind up words to get a try which probably never works, your mind get all desperacy and find methods to unwind, your complains of negativity full envelops you and also bitter lies you made for yourself unknowingly but it brainwashes you even though it wasn't real, in the end it became real, you figured out that you actually kinda "love" this very person, no you have not learnt about the word which is overwhelming. Your experiences built up from here, you collect every memory you got of the person, and inevitable try to be that person as in, liking everything that person likes just to create a person that might actually be attractive and kinda of the same type with that person as a desperacy to get together. And no, you still unable to successfully be with that person, you learn this and begin wallow in your own pity, trying to act all heroish and say that you tried and you can't forget about that person you liked a few weeks ago. you tend to try then give up. Yes sadness by this time has overwhelmed a large part of you already..

5. You find yourself wallowing in depression and self pity by this stage, your life becomes a mess and claimed that dying is a better place to be at after these years of devotion and faithfulness that was never asked for. Tears probably usually consumes you even though you've learnt to put on the false front you got but never really got the technique right, you appear all emotional and depressed, yes you're able to enjoy with some great moments of fun but during that duration or any point of time you relate everything to the experience you've gathered that time with that very special person, no you can't forget about this person's existence and you could only wield up on your bed with your hands wrapped around your knee wallowing in that self pityance you want, telling yourself that you'll never get a chance and what so ever truth but yes the negativity consumes you entirely with depression as a normality, all your life becomes that person, it doesn't go away and it lingers there with pain as your forte and as your means to survival.




6. You finally figured out that you can't go on forever like this, it wasn't acceptable and it wasn't a life thats liveable, so you pick yourself up from the muddy ground and try to start anew, you clench your teeth and try to bring back what u had but no, you smiles return and you start to live again, not the same live u had but one with more maturity from the experience you've gathered, you begin to take things easier from the downfall, learning that nothing is that easy and you just have to deal with it, so with a new life you start.. You find someone else that interest you to approach, as an attempt to forget and to make your newly acclaimed life fruitful, your methods are much more mature for you show better concern, does things that helps her without her knowing, an adult way to express your like, no longer love for it was too strong of a word now, as you love, you break harder, besides its too far early to say it.. So here you are, trying to get over her with a new relationship, wanting a shot now for you realize that first person who you're still insane over didn't have a chance of success, so here you are with you life again with constant smiles and yet constant frowns of the past..




7. Unfortunately i'm only in stage 6, lets hope step 7 is something like happily ever..

Perhaps all i ever wanted was an easy way to get over you..

My Best Defence
Today, i said it out, subconsciously, it was you.. I didn't go on.. but i mentioned your name, for so long, i've flinched from the sound of your name, it was like a haunting, regardless of what i do or what i see, it always went back to you.

So your name finally slipped out of my breathe i thought i've strangled to, i thought it'll all better if i stop mentioning your name that very one day. Then that day not too far away i believed i should stop stalking to see how were you.. I already knew it'll happen but i never expect it to be so unexpected even though i've already expected it...

So it went like a suffocation, i lived in denial to your name, to the fact that i'm still feeling so strongly for you.. It went by so hard, but i knew i couldn't carry on.. I can't stay this way..
But what could i do, today i accidently said it out, though i did not elaborate, i feel shattered enough, that tension in my chest i worked so hard to remove just slammed back all at once..

Perhaps Denial was my Best Defense..
or Maybe Denial was my Last Defence..

While watching "how i met your mother" i recalled..
I've said I "loved" you 4.5 years ago, and after 4.5 years later, i find that it hadn't change..Eileen
I tried.. really i tried to pluck every strain away, but it sticks like glue and couldn't be removed..

I can't ask for a chance because you wouldn't give me one.. I don't want to break like i did again..

The Delusions
Its like a gamble, to win it you bet on to lose it all. You could pretend that you could have it all, to claim your stakes but with a single blink of time, you suddenly lose it all, release whatever that you staked and along with the hopes you harboured. With experience you explored, you come to fear of placing your bets, a phobia of losing everything once again, you delude yourself and discovered the reality in the end, breaking you down all over.

Perhaps its the same for everything else, to not begin comes without an end..

Maybe its an explanation of how i've come to be, a brick wall built brick by brick to surround in the purpose of to hide and to outcast, superficial it expose but innately an uncountable reasons that left unaware of. Its hard to end, and difficult to start, so by forsaking a start, you avoid the end.

Today, someone asked me, why you were absent. I said i had no idea, and asked why i should i have any more knowledge of that as compared to her which you see everday. She said because i lived close to each other.. but i believed that wasn't what she wanted to say. I think that she meant that i'm closer in relationship with you, In reference to that i replied i lived a very far distance away from you. Just didn't make any sense of how close we tend to be but we are never that close... I had to say that because i don't want to spend a one sided claim that you wouldn't agree of

The Last Fall


This was taken a good 2+ years ago, during a field trip to Malaysia.


I don't think that this picture would explain anything just by being shown. Though significant but its treated like its mild.. My life almost ended that very day i could somehow assure it, it was a mild drizzle that was occurring and i was with a pair of slippery shoe walking on the muddy track up this waterfall. I slipped a few times but my hand could always find a tree to hold on to.


Unsuspectingly, for once i slipped and my hands could find nothing to grip on, it wasn't like what they said, no flash back, no light at the end of the tunnel, but what came through was Trevor's hand that gripped mine and pulled me back on.

These days i'm wondering about how could it be so much better off to just disappear, erase the drama and wrap up the rhapsody, just get off and leave everything behind, start anew and perhaps with an option not to revive and float in unconsciousness.. and ironic enough, Guilt is always what that holds it back..
Sometimes, i kinda want to get into some kind of situation where i just go for a coma for a period of time, just to see who i really meant to and who becomes truly affected, to experience amnesia perhaps.. I know there would be scoffs but sometimes i just don't want and i can't seem to see anything to live on for..

I could see everyone moving step by step to somewhere they chose to, I could see everyone closing in their dreams, I could see everyone graduate with a sense of accomplishment and a list of achievements, I could see everyone settle down and be happy, I could see everyone will be able to make ends meet, I could see everyone would somehow survive...
But I can't, I can't for mine... I've got no likes or interest, perhaps thats why sometimes I desperately seek for love

A Possibilitied of Obituary

The Interwined

That day, I stared into space, thinking but i was conscious like ever but i didn't want to acknowledge your presence, for the fear that i wouldn't be well conversed and I am always trying to keep the distance that you've already stealthily placed.. I stared at you in the corner of my eyes to see you trying to get my attention, but as you kept trying, the more i couldn't understand, i looked on without your knowledge, I was confused between being ecstatic and being depressed.. You wanted me to see you but you didn't want me to go close, its like window shopping in a way, you look but don't ever try things on.. A good 3 minutes went by before i caved in, couldn't maintain the barrier i've put up..

That time, you offered a 5 and i took a 5 to celebrate your victory that i pretended unaware of, but as our palms connect, it didn't come off like the usual, it waved side my side before i felt your finger interwined into the spaces of mine, for the first time it wasn't mine but someone else, i now understand why they said the fingers fit perfectly.. I couldn't comprehend, it isn't a usual thing, was it a hint? was it normal for you? or was it just a moment of thing that you mistaked it? There might not have a meaning behind it but the question why did it occur caught me.. our fingers interwined by I didn't lock it down, i didn't dare, i didn't know what to do, i didn't want to lock it down to see another hole somewhere else for you to slip away..I don't want to always believe it could to get disappointment ravage into every single molecule of mine..

What did it mean?

What do you want to do?

As much as i could imagine but i suppose that i wouldn't have a chance


Maybe If You Tried Like I Do... You'll Like It Like I Do...
Why Don't You Think That A Heart That Wants To Try, Deserves A Chance..
I don't exactly love you, I can't exactly forget her, I won't exactly force you, but I want to try with you, I know i can, I know i'll be able to...Give me a chance and yourself a chance to forget about him that you'll never be with because hes such a wimp..

Flames
Theres no reason for it to come
no point for it to appear
accumulative in anger it sums
going without a sound you hear

A question to where it start
and no idea to the slyed culprit
it was like how it meant to be hard
the only escape for the teeth to grit

Beckon it begs to submit
a battle with the fallen ego
where in tears you fall to sit
feeling like theres nothing left to hold

Fabricate a story to excuse
that little dignity you tried to save
all before the flame hits the fuse
and your soul begins to cave

Then you see how everyone starts to fit
like a jigsaw they were meant to be
with a part to play they hit
the same part where no one see

Cringed and cried
as you struggled and fight
then you see how you've been bribed
closing your eyes to believe the night

Changes to occur the very next day
and there was a you that you've never seen
you start to say what you'll never say
and with the evil it starts to hint

Bade goodbye to the previous love
and waved it to the present hate
with flames burning under your nerve
with persuasion you resign to fate

I'm sorry, I know i'm not the same.. I know it won't suffice but thats the best i could do, just too afraid to try once more..
good never brings any good for me anyway.. perhaps i'm better off like this.. perhaps inside i'm suppose to be

Ignite

It was great...

I wished i was part of it

But perhaps it was better without

Cos it did went really well

And was heart warming to watch

Awesome job~
always wanting to be a part of something..

Maybe, Just Perhaps
Perhaps i just need someone to be with me, for me to hold onto and to feel that i'm being held on to.. Maybe i just need someone to be with, so i could turn to her and she could turn to me.. Probably i just need someone, so i could feel appreciated and i could appreciate her.. Definitely i just need, so i could somehow make everything else disappear and start afresh..
maybe i am just needy of love and perhaps i just need someone to release all the love i had