Outing

had a $50 buffet at kushinbo.. it was a pretty plesant experience but i suppose it wasn't as worth it look at the price.. it'll do if it $10 less i guess since the only attraction point was the crab and the desert.. the tepanyaki was okay, the sushi and sashimi was Meh and the fried stuff were too cold.. didn't try the soup stuff, the specials that i've got wasn't as great since it was only some clams that tasted like mushroom.. considering the messing around with everything that we could lay in our hands for 3hrs 30mins. i guess its alright..

I'll blog more the next time considering the cut on the tip of my index finger is making it difficult to type..

Maybe that its claimed to be special, makes you expect things to be special..
And i guess that special's your gretting..I guess i still absolutely want to have you here.. and perhaps because of that, our lips shall never cross, our skin shall never be grazed, our heart shall never get exchanged..
And i guess i end the 18 in a bottle of beer..
An act of sophiscation to cover up for the fearsome impel..

Day We Claim

And today is suppose to be my day. Today is a date they claim its my birthday. Today is a time where i'm suppose to be special and itself is suppose to be unique. Today is finally when i'll be legalized

For so long, i've understood the meaning of how hollow it actually is.. But why this is the first year i don't believe.. But i always believed, that somehow, it'll always be one hella smooth day, that somehow, it'll always be the perfect date for rising my hopes.. But that never comes.. Heck, just let it be special for once.. But it never is and never does..

I make wishes each year.. earnestly, sincerely, honestly, hopefully.. It wasn't because i was just entitled to, It wasn't because i had candles to, It wasn't because i had been egged on. But it is when I manage to delude myself everytime, yes maybe this year is different, maybe it'll finally happen, maybe this year would start being better, just maybe.. The wishes are always the same, however the hardest to be granted. The wishes are always literal, however the hardest to gauge. Happy.. Just that.. Acknowledge.. Just that.. Better.. Just that..

I know inside, i know that nothing is actually special today, I know its just the date that i'm born, I know its just a normality, I know its just a day, Just a day that is claimed to be mine.

This day won't bring you back..This day won't bring you what you want.. This day won't bring you what you need.. This day won't bring you any change.. This day won't bring you anywhere.. This day won't bring you any help... This day won't bring you any more.. Its just a day..

Its like how Pamela says.. Birthday are somehow for people like me lonely.. Empty if i might add..

This year i tried something.. I tried to ignore it.. but i realized no one else would.. I tried to jump it over.. But i realized some wouldn't.. I tried to stop it.. but i realized i couldn't.. I tried to bluff my way through.. But i realized i'm already..

I set my birthdate on Facebook a day earlier, it wasn't because for the fun and kick like i said.. honestly it was to give myself a chance, somehow i thought 2 days would give my more chance to talk to her.. her. .. So it didn't for the first day, yet i guessed i expected just as much.. But the second, it did, i stunned with exhilaritions, took me ages to just type the unflawed sentence to continue it but i guess the elatedness was shortlived and misery lives at the end of it like always.. I hate this.. Ihatethis..IHATETHIS.. I don't know are you still in my chest and head due to the momentum of the past or due to the attraction you kept up..I never knew..but I could not stop either..Damn..I still bloody well like you.. I still bloody heck get jealous.. I still bloody damned get pissed..I still bloody hell get upset..I screwed things up like always.

All i wanted was that shred of care for me from you

A Guys Night-in

This has kind of been a tradition for us, me, Trevor, Richard goes to Joel's house for a night, just to sit there, eat steamboat, drink alcohol, play some games, talk about anything that comes to mind.. Theres nothing much to it, nothing much fun you could see in it but sometimes, thats the miracle that happen, somehow we relax and laugh about things we made up.. Its nice once in a while when you just sit down and do things that doesn't matter..

From young, drinking was a taboo or at least that was what was input into us, brainwashed actually.. yes it doesn't give you much benefits other than providing a relaxant agents, but still its a way to loosen up, to be drunk from your life and for once less sober to be depressed among your consciousness. Being high, doesn't mean to be bad, but just be easier to laugh at things, say stuff you don't usually do which helps to be more disposed of these burdens.

but i guess that i want to be drunk...so i really do know how do i feel...so i know who i really want to be.... so i can momentarily die

Friday 13th

So this would be one of the blog where its actually about the events that literally happened

Happy Birthday Abital!
so we went to Pulau Ubin for kinda like a cycling / birthday celebration? kind of thing..
So it was 13th Friday in the Ghost Festival, but apparently it didn't spoil the fun even if it rained most of the time..

So the weather was building us up to break us down.. I woke up to the black skies, then when i went out, it was clear, then when we reached changi village, it rained, then when we reached, the rain hovered between drizzling and storming.. So it was then we had enough of the hour wait, we bought ponchos, deposited our bags, rented bikes and off we went.. Then midst of our walk, it stopped.. then when we threw our ponchos away, it poured again while we cycled rounds and round our destination being lost, arriving at the jetty going back.. It became clear.. So that was pretty much the Friday 13th Luck...

Grow Up

From the present we look back into our past, looking of how everthing was over or under done, things are always done with insufficiency and regrets are always left as a trail for us to follow up. You realize if you think and reflect enough, how things have changed as you yourself have similiarly changed, your perspective different, your attitude conversed, your feelings switched. Scoff at your previous naive self yet reminsce and yearn to return as a method of escaping of how the world truly works.

I found how pleasing and accomodating I once was, then i got sick and disgusted with how little gratification i receive back because i'm not a saint to do things without any want for rewards. I gave and never receive. I was passionate and never returned. I was forgiving and never forgave. I was always trying and never allowed.

Thats when I understood the fact of how heroes never stand to gain, only of selfish means, you are allowed luxury... You have to be a jerk and unfeeling before people learn to take you in their mind... You have to be cold and calm before people want your attention.... This was just a mere unspoken truth that i realized perhaps too late to skip the misery i immersed in.

No...Don't even disagree these words...Leave your little perfect world behind if you're gonna leave it some time, Burst your bubble if its gonna blow up some time, Wake up if you're going to be awake some time, Walk out of your fairy tale if you're going to grow up... Time to just grow up...Or just stay there forever..

You induced this and I just went along

I never wanted to shut the door, I never want to.. But i see how you're already engulfed in your own dilemas, I had to... I can't add it on even if i sometimes burted it out.. I can't stop locking it but i have to. Its the only way i could help.. Close mine so i could enter yours and without two rooms to enter, you'll be okay with the set fixture.. But just sometimes, I really want someone more than my tortise.. Apparently, its already too late.. I forgot the combinition to my own code.. Why can't i just disappear from everyone's memory and just disappear silently..I don't want to .... anymore

Opportunities

I don't know exactly the reason why opportunities don't always come knock on the door even if we stay to watch, we complain and blabber on the lack of opportunities but while we're doing that, very often it comes knocking but you won't hear it.. And when you finally open it, you've already blown your steam, take a good look at it, perhaps spend a few days with it, it settles in but then you start to expect more on the increase, you no longer satisfy even when now the opportunity comes without you calling for it, it stands right in front of your door but no..

You don't take it for some reason or other, be it troublesome, uncomfortable or just didn't feel like it.. Okay, thats a legitimate reason, but then a few days or weeks or months or years drag by, you'll find yourself thinking what would happen if you've embraced that opportunity, how much better or at least changed would you current be?

Its often true that it doesn't come knocking twice, i mean when you get rejected throughly, been ignored and treated like nothing, you would usually be turned off and move on... So then you sit there while never knowing what should and shouldn't have been done..

I just don't understand why is it hard to just grab the chances as they come by, a chance that offers you comfort and possible advancement from the pitied stage we currently reside in, its not all that difficult if you think about it, yes you have previous commitments that still clings on to youm perhaps even abundance of troubles.. but its previous, regardless of the timelength, its still previous matters, it might still affect but, the fact is that moving on still has to be implemented..

You claim to want to forget, you claim to want to let it go, you claim to how you want it to be, but when it comes, you stubbornly root yourself to your own naivety to the pessimistic side of yourself and the innocent belief of how time is needed. You often fail to consider, this new opportunity that appears, might help you more than you think, if you grab every single one of it, with time gradually it fades the the background with the new layerings on top...

I'm not trying to judge, I'm not trying to accuse, I'm not trying to say you must but i'm just telling you, it'll always be a better alternative to rather sticking yourself to the pathetic misery that you endoused in..

Move on when you have the chance....Give it some faith..

I just don't understand why others wouldn't take any chance when it comes to help, they have a chance to shed their pasts, they have a chance to start anew..

But what do i have? I got none even close by, i have no help trying to push me through, I see no way of even dig myself another path to go to, I'm always sinking and looking up in the fantasy that i create to somehow ease the escape, but in the end all i see is towering blocks casting their shadows upon me...

I just need someone to push me though.. But i'm too afraid to ask...

Distractions
I would be lying if i said i was happy today, or that i've hid it so well that its flawless.. Just give me a day to get used to the feeling.. and i promise i'll be better tomorrow..

I know this shouldn't even affect me at all, once again, we're of no status, not even a friend relationship, just merely acquaintance but your get togethers and your left overs affect me more than it should.. It should have ended cleanly or i should have shown you how i am now.. guess everything is just 5 years too late..
Because you're not tethered to the storm like i am, theres always a rainbow for you in the end..

I sulked today..I was gloomy.. I don't want to talk about it, all i want is a simple way to get over it..

The way to get over someone is to find someone else that is able to distract your thoughts away and bring it to her.. Perhaps i'm not a good person but i never wanted to be.. Heroes are just an overstatement..
Its affects me to see how you move on from one to the other and never to me.. I suffocate with the hollow feeling in my chest.. I can't get over you, but i know i have to and now i want to... I can't always generate dried up tears anymore..