Because, I rather hit than hurt.

Goodbye

I threw away everything and deleted anything that had to do with you, it was an childish act but if it works by tearing away everything and deleting it, perhaps it would be worth it, it will be too late to regret and leave no path back. As I was clearing away, i only realized something. Of all the things I have given you, whether it was notes, gifts, cards. All i had from you was a note from the past of no importance and a letter to cut off the relationship, while I on the other hand had to even clean out gifts for you that wasn't given to you. Not to begin my materialism but was everything i've done not worth looking at, was everything i've felt not worth reciprocating, was everything i've gave not worth a single thought, was everything i've loved not worth a consideration? So would I be able to walk off the shadows of you now that i've steeled my hard?

Goodbye Eileen, hope we'll never see each other again.

Maybe if you listened, you would understand

Maybe if you paid attention, you would have noticed

Maybe if you looked, you would see

Maybe if you believed, you would be happy

Maybe if you agreed, you would be smiling.

Should I love or hate dreams?

They bring you back to your fantasy but they stay as a fantasy when you're awake

They bring you smiles but changes them to tears when you're awake

They bring you peace but makes them tragic when you're awake

They bring you means to escape but throws you back when you're awake

They bring you hope but to crush them when you're awake

They bring you her but to take her away when you're awake.

And so how do i live when i know i still can't let go? how do i move on when i know i can't step off? how do i look at others when i know its still you that i see? how do i survive when i know i can barely without you.

Bad person, Good person

If someone who thinks that he is a bad person then wouldn't he be a good person as he is aware of him being bad?

If someone who thinks that he is a good person then wouldn't he be a bad person as he looks highly upon himself?

If that person who thinks he is bad but aware of being bad is a good person then wouldn't that be ironic of how he wants to be the bad person but turns out to be the good person?

If that person who thinks he is a good but is egoistic then wouldn't he be lying to himself trying to make himself feel good and why would that make him bad?

If that person who does things to harm but it was in order for him to live with himself, then how do we call him bad if he is doing it to survive?

If that person tries to do good things to make himself feel good by helping others to, then why do we call him good if he does things to make himself feel good after helping others do?

If that person is pessimistic and thus say and do bad things then why would he be bad when he was probably good and life turns him bad?

If that person is optimistic and thus do good things then why would he be good when he probably have things that pessimistic don't?

If that good person were to do a bad thing, then would he be bad even if he had been good?

If that bad person were to do a good thing, then would he be good even if he had been bad?

If someone good were to turn bad because of bad people using him to become good, then would he be good or bad?

If someone bad were to turn good because of using good people to become good, then would he be good or bad?

If someone were to be called good with doing things to gain, then would they be good by gaining things?

If someone were to be called bad by having things to gain in another way, then wouldn't they be good?

Bait

These goes on for forever, it wasn't like there could be an ending if nothing was done. I could dodge a few bullets but i'll still fall for the bait, the bait don't have to be visible, an imaginary one does the trick sufficiently.

Its cold and an unending twirl of crestfallen events often lead to a delusion among the illusion to follow or clarity to move away. But perhaps it's uncertainty is what makes it alluring, all the "what ifs" with all the "maybes."

It figures out in the end, everything done and dreamt becomes you, everywhere and every place reeks of you, every minute and every second consist of you. The bait's presence becomes too strong to ignore, soon enough you know you'll take the bait and slip to the bottomless trap once again.

The heart hurts because the mind believes its hurt, but then again what if, its the mind that hurts because its the heart that hurts. In the end, its in pain anyway, so if we acknowledge and recognize these as facts, why can't we stop it then?

Why does the brake became faulty and like a magnet attracts to you, tracing your every steps in the past, pointing out every single action you do and touching anything you did. Its too much of a mental torture.

I look at others with a green heart, looking at sweet couples all around, and then fantasize about every single romantic thing i had thought of with you, wasn't girls suppose to like that? Then why i never had the chance to prove it, you've seen me at my worst, then why can you believe in my best? If not, at least show me your worst and make me believe it, because how could i go if i think you're still the best?

If only i hadn't become stupid when i was around you, maybe then you'll think otherwise, then i probably won't be in this predicament, it was a seed still unbloomed but i'm a fool that wants to see it grow even when i clearly know it won't, i covered it with too much soil in the beginning, and i suppose its too late to savage what is left behind. I'm sorry that i'm such a fool

So what if you fought when you shouldn't?

So what if you fight when you are going to lose?

I'll probably become stupid if i see you once again, but i'll keep breaking if i don't...so?

i'll tell you, someday, somehow..

Now what?

Silently

We know but we don't say
its there yet we ignore
the distance has fray
but in dreams we adore

Obvious yet not to choose
Oblivious made to use
All outside would have seen
but in lies we chose to have been

We gave reasons in the start
To fill in the rights to it all
Perfectly crafted as an art
in truth a tale of tall

Prettier as it covers up
The more with our hands try to cup
Repeatedly as it is made
The more of a facade

Pages of dates flip and turned
Old with age we start to be
The lies we start burned
Blindness wear off and reality shows me

A joke i could have sworn to
An empty feeling we do
It was nothing like what we said
But just prolonged misery we paid

Cradle in me you did
I was a shelter but one
when there was a reason you hid
after its gone you're done

I'm sorry of how it changed
but so help me if i'm deranged
I'm over with the pretence
I'm sorry but i need some defense

A tool which requires no maintenance
Would be bound to break
A limit would take its stance
As no longer it stays its peak

Memory Archive

I had another one of the weird epic dreams that i usually had. I was playing basketball around school area, and apparently I saw someone was in immerse pain due to his ankle sprain when I was rushing to the toilet, I was begged to get some help from the office, I then started to run towards the office ignoring my urges to go to toilet. When i was on the way there, when i saw familiar faces, and its snsd, and of course i walked up to Sunny. I greeted her in korean, she was really nice and had a hair cut. I asked for a picture before i left but as i tried to press the camera button on my iphone but my hand trembled so much from shyness, i kept fumbling over the touches, pressing wrong buttons. She was so nice that she sat beside me on a bench, she waited for a very long time until she had to leave, for some reason, she was able to speak chinese to me, she told me that she had to go and rather than a photo maybe she could give me a momento instead. I agreed, she told me "I believe in you" and gave me a hi 5, pushing to my heart, gave me a smile and left.. Its a great dream.

Relapse

There was a problem in the process of getting over old broken pieces. Fear of getting yourself cut in the process always held you back in moving across, you strut your legs out but then retrieve it after the possibilities strikes your mind. There would be moments when you take a few steps, but you get yourself cut on those shimmering sullen blades, so you stay there to treat yourself or you jump right back to the start. After multiple attempts, pain, consideration, obligations, contemplation, acknowledgement. You finally stride over with your eyes close as you take the plunge through, for the brighter other side regardless of all the roller coaster tracks awaiting. You reached the end, you crossed every last piece of impurities, however, you find yourself too much in pain to walk any further, so you rest yourself at the tip of the end, regardless of the danger that you might be dragged back, a relapse back.

One of the requirement to finally get over a relationship would be to determine the other party to be as the "bad" person, regardless of whatever the condition, he/she would have to be the bad person, you have to start pointing your fingers at that person stating your regrets and his/her flaws. To get over someone, you have to stop convincing yourself, you have to start thinking about everything else except anything related to that person. But in the end, regardless of how far you get in the process, why does it have to be so vulnerable to relapses.

I got so close, I was doing everything right, I did everything I could, I forgot, I stopped, I restrained, I complained, I abused, I yelled, I accused but in the end, it was always the most insignificant things happening that dragged me back across everything, your single willingness to talk to me could crush me back. But no i don't want you to be the better of us two, i don't want you to be the good person in my eyes. i can't afford that again.

I'm not sure but i'm pretty certain that this ain't normal, this isn't how a normal person live. I was depressed over love troubles previously, so engrossed, so lost in it, but at least then i had something to be edged over for, i had the reason, i had the knowledge that someday i could tide things over, i managed to survive then like this, at least there were happy times among those demoralizing days, there were some people who still helped, i had less to worry about, knowing that if this didn't work out, someday i can move away, i know i could but just the definition of time would be strainously long.

Ever since i've totally let go of this love chasing game, i've been so tired, so lazy, so slack, so monotonous, it gets so bad that i pretty much just do nothing but think, but now that i don't want all those lovey stuff, things just upped a notch to my future, what was i to do, what was i to acheive, what was i surviving for, i was that sure of how i were living just to love someone, but that probably was wrong, now i've got no purpose in my life as i see it, i'm redundant in every aspect.

I seriously choke up these few days while watching some variety shows, they seem to have so much fun, they have so much going for them, they are so successful, they seem like its perfect, they seem perfect. But what am i, i can't do a thing that will bring me smiles, nothing seems right, its pathetic but what can i do.. I honestly don't know what to do, i don't get the meaning of life
I don't want to live but i'm too afraid of death too, I'm afraid that if i'm dead, its just eternal blackness, or maybe i get respawned again into someone else or just repeat my life.. I don't know what to do, i'm so scared, what do i do. I need help but i'm too afraid to ask from people, i need to know how am i going to live.
Somehow salvage me, bring serenity back

Days It wasn't like this when we were young, everything was bright, everything was bigger, everything was easier, everything was passed on to you, everything was made for you, everything was less of a chore.
Now everything just aged along with us and it became such a fuss everything, the more we we start noticing how much everything wasn't how you believed it to be. It wasn't fair but it isn't what you can do anything about.
In the end, what were we suppose to do, what were we to leave behind when we go, what were we to live for, it didn't make sense why were we here to live, we are so depress on the way to death and with each day, it kind of stays pointless. When we grow up, things just get worse and worse, its empty how it is. Living is pretty much pointless.

Right after these studying, we go to work, we work till we break and in the end we pretty much just stay pointless till death.

So can anyone tell me the point that we have to live... People really shouldn't give birth.