Crossing The Bridge
It was always so hard to transit and to cross over, attempts to make the change, to throw some away and wish for new ones.. Yet so it seemed so flawless and clear in the beginning till the blurry side stretches further than you can believe. Its funny how things just goes against you like you were meant to fail.

I knew that i wouldn't when i first typed it till i unconsciously tried to confess, but i couldn't, i didn't dare, hadn't had the guts to.. Then i tried to make the hint, but i didn't admit it.. I wanted so much to tell you my tears, but i couldn't face my fears, by my side you wouldn't stay here...

It torn me apart, you could talk to a guy that disgusts you and didn't deserve any of your attention, you could try to shut him up, you could give him one word replies..
But how about me? You wouldn't answer me, reply my texts, answer my calls, continue conversations with me, you just wouldn't give me your attention..
So am i worse than someone you claimed that bad?

You > talking to a despo guy, trying to shoo him away, he wants girls.. Primary school classmates but now hes like a freaking ah beng, those abit zi lian, he likes taking picture half naked while he is very pale.
Me > Why are you even talking to him then?
You > cuz... Hes talking to me? =_=, but i'm trying to end it off with lots of "lol" "kinda"
Me > Why reply him still?
You > cuz even if i dun reply, he will keep talking
Me > just let him talk? or block will be a good usage
You - Offlined
These are summarized.. But you could reply to some weird ugly ah beng filled with disgust and probably with a rotten personality, but not to me? Am i really that horrible, so much that ignoring me seems to be okay?

I don't know..... I don't want to know..... I don't know if it'll be a lie

I really really could take you away from him, if you give me the chance, but i already know the answer don't i, i'm not getting it..

The Walking Joys, The Eating Laughs

A Walk Around Town

Gangster 3, Joel, Trevor, Richard

The Photoshoot

Fascination with the new "Submarine"

Not before a meal of Sakae Buffet

Holy Tofu

Salmon Overloading

AlaCarte Spams

A place to fill the stomache, A walk through random places, A fascination with views, A talk over the drinks, A day with your buddies...The walking joys, The eating laughs... Theres really nothing bad about it, just plain enjoyment over the time...Nothing much you can say about it and so the pictures come to the picture.

I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be alone, But all i see is that slowly everyone leaves with their other half, while i'm always in the audience stand, I'm just like a normal loser...

That Same Forgotten Road
Today was a horrible day... It started off with a dizzyness that pushes me back to the bed, a fatigue that crippled me, yet fractured i left the house with a breakfast that burnt my tongue and throat followed by a nose bleed.. I had that hollow feeling, empty till i remembered that we'll walk that same path, running away from the rest just to be alone once more.. As I reached, i lit up to your face, couldn't deny the smile, couldn't hide my sudden burst of energy, for a good minute that is.. A few minutes of departure before the sweetest drink i had since 3 years ago was placed to me... Then it was till i had the chance to stay by your side once more, just alittle longer this time. Then you left silently as i watched as you walked out the door.. Got a bowl of laksa then for lunch, over- estimating myself, taking hours to eat..

Then i felt it, i might not be the best choice, i don't make laughters, i don't give encouragements, i don't believe in being too nice anymore, its probably better off when you're with them, since we're only there by name and everyone's recognition now, and all of you have your places to leave for, i wouldn't mind doing what i planned before joinned the group. I was maybe meant to be that alone person, at least let me be suave till the end then. I don't want to be needy, I don't need to be smoothered, I don't make it out to be that symphatic one, I don't fit in now..

I couldn't finish, and left my work hanging because i'm too caught up in my own world, my own ego selfish world..The same one i was in the whole day.. After classes, you left, once again silently, the only difference was this time, you grazed past me and not a word, the anticipation i had didn't came, we didn't eloped this time, you had to go home... Then i drenched myself in the noise i made and the music others produced..

Then when i was back home, Yuvee had to crash and refused to on, i almost thrashed her up but in the end it was simply resolved... Then you came to me once more, the third and the first today.. It was your things once again.. I know, i know inside, you'll be gone when we end tonight, but i couldn't resist, i walked down that very same forgotten path again.. I'm a sucker for you even i know that you wouldn't stay around till long after again...

Theres a memory no one likes, but everyone still stubbornly do it with insanety... Theres a consequence that no one dared, but I still had to be persistent...Always everyone leaves..

Felicity
Deep inside, i do think that i deserve some lasting felicity, happiness, bliss. But that wasn't the case, for whatever was waiting ahead in the past never got better, it just alternated between worse and the worst. I try to please whenever i could afford to, try to convince that i'm an easy going person instead of my factual pickiness. No i'm not a selfless hero, i'm just someone that wishes for your recognition, appreciation.. But its like i don't matter.. So i don't think its too hard to believe, negativity is the base of my emotions.

When its alone, things come to my mind and i know that i won't have to stage that smile thats been stuck for pretty long..Its not always fake but till i think of how you aren't here.. I have my questions on who could give geniune smiles when they are alone, and are positivity really possibly be a base..

I want to be with you, so at least i won't have to think anymore, i won't have to fail anymore, i won't have to be jealous and bitter anymore, i won't have to feel how i would never get reciprocated, i won't have to frown and stop tears whenever i think..Then at least i could be happy, be felicity.

I'm not made out of sugar, i'm not sweet, i'm not pleasant, i'm not good at comforting..
I'm more of a rotten lemon, bitter, sour, envy, jealous, depressive.
Why don't you try me? i believe i like you enough for you to.. i believe that you could too..

The Frayed, Withered, Forgottened
Without a sound you left on your own, and with your mood, you suit yourself and comes about, walk the path that we've used to, and took me along with you, it was like it didn't happen at all, the lines of absence wasn't visable during that time, it was the only two of us. we ran away from the others to be alone, i want to know if i wasn't something, why you wanted to walk away from the pack. Now to think of it, you were leading me to the longer road but i wasn't sure, too confused actually to see what you had in store for me. we were alone together that period, tell me you don't feel anything.


We split and went off but virtualized we carried through. It was supposed to be right, because it felt that way. But when it all came to the end, there wasn't any fairytale behind it. We carried on the next day as i muddled in that fantasy, till it all ended with your sweet little words with your soothing sound that ran through my mind. You promised, you promised, you didn't say it but it was close enough to mislead me. You claimed a later, took a tomorrow into your content. I knew from experience that it never does, but could you blame a guy for having hopes and waiting by the computer to wait for your presence to reappear, holding on to a phone to expect a vibrate. It went past a day with a head hung low, a shattered unmade promised mess on the bottom of the heart, till it disintegrate when i found out, you won't start and neither would you reply..

If each person was a pathway, i'll be one, yellowed,abandoned,forgottened,cluttered and withered.

I love her, but i'll love it if you said yes

Embrace
Most of the time, you don't say it out, keep inside fear of being ridiculed or look like some kind of weirdo. But somewhere inside you, you love the feeling of embraced, given a hug to, being ensured that things would work out in your current miserable life.

Sometimes you give the hug for the gesture, a quick touch and go without emotions embeded in it, though it was never meant to be anything else, it didn't mattered who, sometimes you just wish it lasted longer.

All along, i always used a single arm for a hug, though i've been told off that its supposingly insincere, but still, i rather do it that way... I wanna have a special hug for my special one...

Night Rain
Do you stay awake at night, you turn and look out the window, the sky unblue, unblack, just a shade of crimson red. Signs of how it would rain in a short while as the smell of the air changes, to a pleasant moist smell of nature that goes along of the gentle night breeze..

Perhaps the reason why the night rain seems so inducing and alluring, is because of how it reflects our tears inside, and we could feel comforted as it resembles as though someone understands and cries along...

It just seem that we all cry alittle at night, a little in our hearts...the heart dies alittle then..
I thought i did.. I really thought i could.. but no.. every part of me is still loving you

Happy Birthday Mum!

Had a fantastic dinner the night before at Bosses(vivocity) Highly Recommended =)

Well a trip to Giant was inevitable especially when you're with your family right?

Thus I was determined to create my army of cylindrical tubes of deliciousness moustache man chips. Ended up with a rough 30dollar bill...

Financial Difficulties

Sometimes i do blabber out how i have got a red packet in my personal "Home Safety Deposit Box" where i keep my valuable letters and cash in it.. I've got a so called saving plan started off since i was 7, Primary one.. Due to various reason, the funds have never really grown drastically neither shrink. However that was the fact until last month where i took out most of it to fund my Europe trip, leaving a mere 100 dollars in its present empty space..

However this month has been drainning for me financially due to food and more food, I today have took the last note out of that "angpow" of mine, I no longer have any money reserved, i'm stuck with 3 IOUs that i hadn't clear yet, for once, I find myself really unstable, very much into financial crisis which i had never met since I always had a backup cash watching my back and waiting for rainy days to come.. But no longer.. Insecurity is slowly creeping up on me... Couldn't be the one jabbing people to sometimes pamper themselves anymore..(especially with food).

Scrimp and Save time is near... sighs, i never had to stop pampering myself with food... 11 cans of pringles shall accompany me, but i've already finished 4....

The Applaused
The feeling you start with when it began
The little to and fro interactions exchanged
It was sweet with possibilities we can
It lasted like that till it rearranged

With the little hours passed along
Each little flaws surfaced
Followed by differences in your dazed
Ending with the awkwardness among

Then it became ever so slightly distant
No longer your words, none of your rant
Your existence became undoubtly questionable
With each try I realize how we're unstable

Abruptly you left yet so stealthily
Your fingers slipped away from mine
Turned your head away and never looked back
Somehow i couldn't reach you in the end

It all happened without expectation
The story closed without warning
The curtains fall in the climax
And then left the applaused unknown

Why do you resemble her so much...Why do you smile just like her.. Why do you remind me of her?
Why does everyone in my life seem to just disappear after awhile

Realization

Yea i've realized, there was a couple of things that came upon my realization in that little one month time length, perhaps, it never was that i didn't know, just things that i don't come to terms with yet, just in denial, at least i could lie and escape till the facts thrashes me headon..

I've become so much different, so much like someone i tried to avoid being, so much like the person i had been and never wanted to be. Was it because along with you it shed my walls of rejection or was it because i've become so tired that i no longer could uphold it..

I've find myself so empty and fake these days, i feel hollow, unable to rest, like a zombie literally, i know that my body is moving and my mind is thinking but i'm not really feeling it. Was it because i couldn't take things by its stride anymore or was it because that i've hanged on so long till i've been stripped of my feelings..

I've made my heart and mind so contradicting, i begin to become so aloof and haughty as in my mind, i'm slowly losing the perception of others. Was it because i just wanted to be right and correct after so long or was it because i no longer want to agree with others physically..

I've been self doubting lately, i want to know why do i feel so much less of a guy now, or at least a man that i've thought i could be. Was it because of everyone's collective pintpointing or was it because i realized i never did what others could..

I've lost my own rationale, i begin to judge everything and then fight against all of the judgement which just leave a trail of infinity behind. Was it because i'm sick and tired of being judged or was it because i never ever got to be a selfish judge.

I've missed out on whatever that i shouldn't have, i feel like i have no longer things to say, no longer comfort to provide, no longer patience to hold. Was it because i'm tired of speaking as i get springboarded every single time i started or was it because i've become so repetitive of listening to the same thing..

I've break myself into different pieces, its like i'm never sure of anything and i won't know anything of everything. Was it because i'm tired of being mentioned and never told or was it because my opinions never really mattered for so long..

I've confused myself in a million ways, i reconsider and revised it all, where was the line, where was i suppose to steer away, when was i suppose to step forward, when it was the truth, when was it the false, how much of things does it mean, how much of things it just literalize. Was it because i think far too much or was it because i do far too much..

I just want everything to be plain and simple, there wasn't a point in anything you do, yet there was so much hidden meaning behind it...

I just want to know what i want..

i just want to let it all out, but honestly there isn't a way to, honestly there isn't anyone to

Inferiority
You could say its a vainpost..a post i don't really want to be commented on

Its a feeling, its a fear, its a shock and a question why..
its like no matter how hard i try, i slam straight to the wall, and no, its not like minitoons which allows me to leave my shape with a hole behind..

Like most people would, my windows to the world started to close, secluding the world away, with a curtain call with no applause..

I have issues..

I think i'm lacking of much needed male genes too..
I'm pretty much useless, perhaps they were right all along...
Maybe if i reverted back, i would be much better
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Changing my blog link soon, as soon as i think of a name...

A Legal Initiation

Happy birthday to you 3 legal humans, Richard,Trevor,Anthony

So all in all, we created like a massive haze from the bbq pit, ate about 100chicken mid joints, 100satays, 30hotdogs, 5stingrays, 10salmon sticks, beehoon, cake.. And spent the time slapping mosquitios, getting high from the lack of sleep and talking rubbish..

The carefree feeling was really awesome...

Happy Birthday Trevor Teo! you noobbag!!

Okay, i am really super duper epic bad at saying words on celebration dates..
okok HAPPY 18 BIRTHDAY
Ok one more year before we know each other for a decade..
Ermmmm, TA DAHHHHH

Back To The X

Sometimes, it just feels like i'm going back to the same point, i was so sure that i've moved a large distance away, but still the road led back to the same mark.
Perhaps its not all the same, maybe theres just so much things so similar that i throw myself back to where I came from...
You're just like medusa, everytime i look back, i get so drawn away and find myself frozen once again, you're like magic or you're like perfect..

The world just seem to want you to be tattooed forever on me, the reminders of remainders just flocks towards me per day, so rentlessly, like a revenge taken back, I believe they called it a taste of my own medication..

Its always easier when i do pretend play, pretend that i'm normal and play along like i always do.. At least, you'll be around when I do that..

I could list a thousand things about you that i love but there'll be a million things that i'll forget to say

I saw someone, who smiled like you, talked like you, moved like you, sized like you, but its not you, you're angeling over the other end...

Yea i'm sick... i'm having chained sickness ever since i'm back from Europe..

I have no idea whats wrong idea, the only thing i can think of is that the food i ate rebelled against me for some reason =(, and i'm becoming like that goat...

I'm contemplating to stick a finger into my throat in an attempt to merlion things away, but i'm too afraid to do it =(......... Pamela doesn't know that we have that automatic puking button up in our throat... I wonder what she think bulimic is all this while..

i think theres probably an Auto bowel emptier button somewhere in our body, i mean if it comes out from our mouth, our ass probably has some kinda wiring similary right?