The Opposed
It appears to how much you're deny of the privilege, the more you tend to act up against that denial.

The more you're denied, The more you want to..

You know you weren't suppose to do it, you understood the fact that nothing good could come out of it, you know that you'll probably throw away much more then you would receive, You know all of these but in the end theres a maybe lying somewhere, a glimmer of hope that it would be different this time, a little light that you gain by deceit to yourself, and so you do it

The more you're restrained, The more you start to unleash

You've seen how it all went down countless of time yet this becomes a regular thing because of the fact that you're still searching, so each time you get a chance, you tell yourself, it might be the one, it would be the one time thats different, this one last try would work.. I guess noone can defy this because of the fact that you're still searching for the one.

The more you shouldn't, the more you would

Just now as i watched How i met your mother again, Stellar said something along the lines of "I know you're sick of waiting and its hard to ask you to wait alittle while longer or perhaps a longer period of time but she is walking her way to you too, as fast as possible."
It really gave me a smile when i thought of it, wouldn't that be nice, wouldn't that come true?

I know its a blind throw, I know its a distance that i can't reach but still i think i'm still letting myself fall in because i'm sick of being so stuck in my previous one.. Thats why i couldn't stop smiling last night, I expected it to be awkward but it turned out that you didn't mind talking to me.. At least for this 2 days. Maybe its different? i kind of doubt it

I seem to have a fetish for girls that i cannot have..
its weird how i paid attention to you for quite some time, look at your smile and tonight we finally talked and laughed, i fell in immediately, putting aside my misery for a new misery..
You have a boyfriend i heard, you probably see me as nothing but a collegue, so should i still say hi and inch my way nearer?
I'm sorry but having a boyfriend don't really stop me.. Doesn't see why it should, one day when you break up, then i'll be there still.. But how is the chance to hang around going to come..

Defectious
These days are really unbearable with you around, i want to grab your shirt and pull it towards me, but no not in a romantic fashion but i just want to get you stare at me then i can whisper " you are pissing me off these days, you better step off my tail, i don't mind if you have your crap that happens, i don't care if you have issues with me being with me or at least what used to be me even though there isn't a me to begin with.. if you're getting to get in my way, if you're preparing to stop whatever that i do, if you're really going to keep this up, then i won't care how close we once were, if you're going to play god that you love to put around your mouth so much, i would take on the role of satan then. Don't give me your excuses, i had my worst crap hanging up my ass this entire year and i still held it in, even when i had to blow, i don't go in your face.. If you want either tell someone even me, or suck it up since you rejected people who lent themselves to suffer for you..if you're still going to come intruding on me then i might just be unfriendly. "

We all have our imperfections, our defectious state but you don't burdenize it on others, its either you let others in or you keep it till you decay. I'm sorry but about the cruelity but its a truth you have to live with.

I found out it wasn't that i was used to bolting up everything but because there wasn't someone who sincerely wanted to hear it.. It wasn't that they couldn't do anything but it was because they don't care as much as they appear to be.. It wasn't that you had your own share of problems but it was because you simply just want people to listen to you and not vice versa.

...

You wished for something all the time yet those who had it threw theirs away, isn't it too early to be so judgemental, convictive and certain.. If you have the best present in the present then why because of the unfixed future to rip it apart, why let the yellowed past dull your sight..

Stories
Everyday just manifest into another stack of irony and events that you want to cry about that you eventually cramped you stomach and settled with a scoff.
You look at others plight and without hesitation compare to yours, wondering why they get to share theirs and yours are just left visibly buried, thinking why you have problems yet you help them knowing it'll never be a vice-versa thing..

Some situations as you hear them out, you secretly rather to be in that then your current situation. You look at them weird and wonder whats going in their mind when they have such great things going on and yet they push it aside then away while you get stuck with all the self proclaimed misery without a chance to even get a breather out of that.
You hear their stories and you think its just not fair.. You stare at them knowingly its a different genre of choice but still, you believe how much better you can do and be better off with that..

You listen but you don't get the story.
You listen but you're far too prejudiced.
You listen but you're absorbed into your own.
You listen but you can't help to relate back to yours.
You listen but its too bad that ain't you.

I don't know if it was an intentional attempt or an accidental attempt to actually inflict some hurt to others but a little through it i couldn't carry it all the way with those guilt tugging on my conscience.. Did i became too absorbed into other's emotion, did i became brainwashed and moulded that way, did i started like this.. I can't remember.. But damn i really want to make it so someone will bleed and it don't matter who.. why can't i do it. I'm going insane with these angst..Why do i think of you..Why do i still need you..

It Had To Be PerfectToday, I got my new pet a netherland dwarf bunny named "Zenith." It was named to be gentle, as calm and non-chalent as the breeze yet loved by many.. Everything was fine until nighttime, as i saw it climbed the cage and eventually out, it pained my heart, why at the expense of the falls and her paw might be scraped that she wanted to get out so badly..
The fact was that with some honesty, i bought it as a distraction too, i wanted to divert away from the suffocation that most people can tell but couldn't or didn't do anything . But seeing how bad it wanted to get away, i was honestly demoralized, was i such a terrible person to be with? a heavy majority of people just tries to get away from me whenever possible.. Am i really that horrible?
Please just tell me.. Please just stop avoiding.. I just want to know..
Stop running, Stop escaping, Stop breaking me..
I still can't breathe.. I really want to burst out.. Honestly i can't find anything thats comforting enough to draw me away.. Each day is really unbearable.. I know it probably isn't the end of the world but honestly it kinda feels like it..With this much anguish, how was i to be normal.. Maybe i just made the wrong decision.. To held on so long.. To buy a bunny that i could possibly ruin her life.. Coming into this course.. Coming into this world..
I need beer i think, maybe it'll be better after i'm drunk, shouting, and falling asleep

Today, they were talking about the slashing incidents that is supposingly random and targeted at guys, they turned to me and said i had to be careful and not to stay out late.. Inside i smiled at the thought, I could imagine them coming up and i could take down a few before i go down together, I could finally have chances to throw those punches i've been forcing back in, I could finally disperse and leave maybe. I'm not sucidal its just that I don't mind ending it off when its coming. I can't keep these anger i've accumulated in. you were the lock that kept everything clear, and now the lock broke and the weight contributed, theres probably no more space to take anymore, no place to store anymore. I couldn't stand it, so i leaned down and pressed my ear against my watch, it ticked slowly, really slowly, and according to that timeline, memories of you just made its way through, I didn't want to remember it now, i don't think i can say i never regretted it, maybe all these were just a big mistake.

Voiceless
I could have shouted and you still wouldn't look back.
I could have shouted and you still wouldn't realize i've left.
I could have shouted and you still didn't care.

I am really vexed about how i've kept silent, I want to go somewhere empty for miles and just shout out into the nothingless. I want to punch someone really hard that take their breath away. I want to pin someone down and make him helpless. It doesn't matter who as long as someone bleeds. I'm become really angry these days, annoyed easily, simply just more for myself.

I'm sorry if i do something wrong to you, but i'm not going to take all these and take responsibility for everything anymore. Its for myself now and i'm going to be right.. I'm sorry if i do, but i have no more stomache left to take everything

I don't want to be voiceless..
I can't repress it,its probably too much to take.. too much to handle

Ruins
It wasn't about how magnificient it was nor how commendable it appears to be. In the end its about how much it took a place in you.
As each part of you slowly becomes ancient and fallen, the remainder collects up and formed a ruin in you, it isn't brilliant or as complete since you might never have found the chance to, but it stays there forever as a figment of your past that clings onto you even if it had been over and ended. An eternal reminder of its existence.
The question is how long does it take, everyone has different adjusting time which they take, mine usually took a day, regardless of the matter, i always took a day off to sulk and just be sullen throughout without trying to look fine and i'll be new the next day as i come to terms with how i had to go on living.
But the process of volunteering your construction to transform it into ruins seems to be so much more demanding. Its been a week since the incident, and its not yet gone.. Perhaps i need to make that decision soon, but what do i do when everything gives me that slight crack of hope but i know how it's promise always fail to pass.. Hoodwinked..
I can't breathe.. I have to occassionally take two really deep breathe, i've got better since then but everything just reduced to crumbs when you pops out.. I know i said i would keep trying regardless.. But i'm 18 and i'll be lying if i said i'm okay with never having experiencing a few relationship.. You know i can't always be your backup when theres no one.. Besides you got so much more people now, so i guess you forgot about your backup too.. But it all ends with how i still want to give it a shot, how i need you to tell me no in my face.