Empty
And somehow i'm not surprised anymore, every time i let down things, making a decision to perish with every ideals i had alternatively preset in the beginning, you'll appear in some coincidental dream of mine. This dreams appears to be my conscience and positivity that has seem to faded behind the habits of the greyed and smoked. Its always going to have something going on for me with you but like how it is, it exists only as a memoir from the dream.

Perhaps, it was really wrong to have went this path in the beginning and went that far out, missing all the exits split paths, and now i'm bound on this road straight down with no other way around it.. Its so far away, and i've been far away for far too long, because all i ever notice becomes how much empty spaces there seems to be around me, everything seems to have emptiness surrounding them, its so persistent and hesitant that its hard not to notice even for a second.
So by somehow, in this dream, you asked if i was in any relationship, i boldly told you no, because i was waiting for you all along, and you smiled... It was really regretful how i woke up before i could hear your reply to my question if you would give me a try after so long.. I so badly need to move on, but you're still somehow always infront

Signs
Wouldn't things be so much simpler with signs that caution us before we take a nose dive down anything that would end up as nothing near to great. It might divulge and remove that spice of it but at least we wouldn't feel the sting when we bitterly slam into the cold hard floor that was beyond all the false layers of realistic paper carpets. At least even we plunge into it, there was some restriction of how much we allow to be consumed and how much we reserved to revive ourselves.

And now as we grow up, each seemingly festive or major events that happen only once a year becomes another day that happens once a year, theres no more excitement to confine in, theres no more sudden adrenaline to make you stay up all night, theres no more texting of wishes, it becomes just another day, an ordinary day that you staged your enthusiasm and act out charades for others to see.

When we were young, there were warnings to be heard of all these happenings but there wasn't any signs to show it, we were young, innocent, naive, stupid, dumb and we wished to grow up and promised to never regret that. and now we are old, weary, tired, exhausted, despondent and all we hoped for was to return to the days where we complain about how we aren't getting old. Its a vicious cycle, a pyramid of misery, a chain of depressions.. If only, when we were young, our ambition was to be a child, then maybe then, we wouldn't have to grow up so fast, we wouldn't have to die inside so quickly.

It isn't right, when we were young, we were happy but we wished for something that would eventually come.
when we are old, we are broken yet what we wish for is something that couldn't be brought to be.
Losing you is like losing myself.. I can't, but i have..

Uncanny Sight
Doesn't how it seems weirdly horrifying that you might somehow be alone, walking as a single without a happy thought of someone else, without anyone that you might be able to talk to while you're feeling so crushingly flat while dragging your feet to your destination which you never seem to make it through wishing that you were in a different situation. Its time like this you start to suspect your own abilities and character which apparently is failing its job.

It was just a chance an opportunity that you see seemingly how everyone had theirs but it seems like the cupid had turned stupid and left you out. It wasn't fair. You gave all your soul and sold promises and exchanges for a return redemption that you never received. Was it alright for it to continue being this way, knowing how you'll soon to raise both hands in defeat? Was it really alright for you to stay denial of the rotted hope you've been clinging on for so long? Was it really alright for you to fight on searching and taking chances that leave you battered behind?

And what if this thing they called love so easily never really ceased to exist? Its almost assured how it might turn into a negativity breaking solution.
Its a complete recipe for disaster. It adds on a hopeful heart, alot of mental strength, selective amount of cash, most of your friends and probably a few buckets of well unspent time. And for the preparation, just crushed everything up and mix them all together with some unwilling tears and pain before pouring them into a garbage bag before serving.

I don't know about it anymore, its probably cynical and like typical of my age perhaps but what was the point of all these, Yes, i really want and maybe need another half of mine to fill in for everything i would really want to do for her. But after these years of being beat down after and after, i don't know if i can believe in this so called love anymore, i'm convinced of its non-existence and i'm just assured how things won't even work out. Its negative but after all these years of trying and never even reach a glimpse of it, its just too much, its too over the top, i've been saying i'm tired of it, i've been holding it back, brushing it off like it doesn't matter like everyone else but honestly what else is there left to see when i've got nothing else to give. I really have nothing more. I'm just an agonised deranged remains of the past. I'm sorry, i can't believe anymore.
Even the non-believers get burnt.. I was at the exact location, looking at the exact tree, being at the exact time, staying with the exact people, being on the exact date but only 5 years after. We were both young, so young that we both made mistakes, you thought you liked me or perhaps you wanted to hook me. And i made the mistake of not hooking you and hold you tight or perhaps saying no and never started this. Its too different now, I can't forget you... I fight to be in a relationship so much so i'll have the chance to kick you off my mind because its been 5 years and no, you still reside there. But you will never take me now.

Romance

Romance is something that everyone might take a really large part of their life searching for, but the question has always remained at why do we even search?

We give away so much for this relation hoping to gain a mutual development, but like a shares margin, the risk is high, way high. You could give this much and either gain that much or you could give this much and yet lose more than you ever chose to give.

Its really incomprehendable how when you begin to grow up, something inside just propels you to feel that having a relationship seems to be so essential, so much so that, everyone that hasn't found theirs yet slowly gets driven into depression regardless of their regards.

Theres so many reasons you could give for an explanation to that urge of being with that special one you've been eyeing for awhile now, that you've been putting the moves on but in the end, you find all the reasons invalid because theres always another alternative choice that you know but never seem to understand nor admit.

So in the end, is a relationship worth that much? Then which kind of relationship is worth it then. I, myself believe in trying out as many relationships as you're able to and just experience the differences in each, this way, you gain that much understanding of what are the things that are really important to you, you level up in the process as you learn how to manage it better with each passing one..

I know i really am a flirt, an easy target to be hooked. I met this girl today, and i'm already considering if i should try my luck with her, shes nice, shes pretty, shes laidback and shes probably over my league like everyone else.. I know theres 3 other that i think about with all honesty, but all i know is i'm pretty desperate for a relationship, the main reason being how i believe in experiencing relationship and yet i've seen and tried to help so many with none for myself.

And the truth behind it seems to be that in the end i'm still stuck at point one, unable to release myself from the hook i've moved in too deep to run. I need someone to overpower the hook and take me over, thats why i'm searching and trying pretty hard. But in the end I know, the results won't be any different any of the time. I'll fail and just stay as a single hopeless romance with myself

Friendship


I realized alot of things today, alot of things friendship can be.



Friendship is like highways, you can take the road yet you can't stop, there are exits along the way, yet if you're sure of your destination, you should go through it all the way.



Friendship is like traffic lights, its green and happy, it changes ember for awhile when you know things are amiss and it changes to red when you face them before it changes back to green again.



Friendship is like phone numbers, when you use them everyday, you remember it, once you remember it, you can hardly forget it, until you never use that number again, then you forget.



Friendship is like a cone, its hollow and with a small surface area at the top but its okay because the base of it is safe enough to support.



Friendship is like the sky, its bright and warm in the day like when you're together, when it turns night, its not as bright but its still always there waiting



Friendship is like a plant, if you plant it, you start to harvest it and when you're done, you either cut it off and end it or you take it and replant it.



Friendship is like clothes, theres so many ways of wearing it and taking it off, but you always have your favourite ways.



Friendship is like cameras, you could take as many photos as you want but without any constant uploading and charging, it doesn't have a use.


Friendship is like rainbows, there are so many boldly stood in front but the most beautiful one is still the one thats vague but still existent behind


Friendship is like love, but without the romantic intentions and without the obsession

Deciding Uncertainty
Some roads you see are bright and most of it paints out right before your vision, its a clear cut path with dusted concrete and all that is left is some footstep to be left on the smooth straight tiles.

Some roads are much different, you see it all cluttered, untamed, deserted, abandoned, dark, intimidating, its usually so deep in and so curvy that you can't tell how the course of road would lead.

Its usually so much easy to take the path which walks straight into things that you can expect things from, but no, you hardly ever take that path down because you're curious and so ever confident in the beginning, you take that godforsakened road thinking you'll make it out alive, thinking you'll conquer it regardless of its hazard.

It usually starts out okay even while taking some chances with the forked roads. Some people chose the right path and it leads them right out into an oasis of paradise, they got everything right but most people undermined this and takes the wrong one, and with each wrong turn, it brings you so much deeper into darker forest, all soon just to lose all the positivity they once had, it messes with your mind and take the liberty to screw with ever chance it gets.

To some point, you sit down with knees to your chest wondering whatever made you decide on this, and sometimes you'll wonder if you'll ever get out like how you see so many other does, you keep convincing that your luck wouldn't be that rotten to keep heading the wrong way but in the end, your path never stop being the mistakened one.
So in the end, what would you do?
What would you be?
For 6 weeks, i've knowingly and manipulating myself to avoid even pressing on your page or read whatever of you on my news feed, i got some bottom notch distraction that pulled some smiles back to me but tonight some nut of my brain asked me to just look back once more to convince that i'll finally be heading off now.. And the rest you could guess. No, i didn't even have to read your status, i didn't even have to stare at your photos, i realized the moment i clicked on your name, everything flowed back once again.. No floodgates i know of would be strong enough from stopping you, and boy do i hope to now, i can't forever get tsunamied back..

The Opposed
It appears to how much you're deny of the privilege, the more you tend to act up against that denial.

The more you're denied, The more you want to..

You know you weren't suppose to do it, you understood the fact that nothing good could come out of it, you know that you'll probably throw away much more then you would receive, You know all of these but in the end theres a maybe lying somewhere, a glimmer of hope that it would be different this time, a little light that you gain by deceit to yourself, and so you do it

The more you're restrained, The more you start to unleash

You've seen how it all went down countless of time yet this becomes a regular thing because of the fact that you're still searching, so each time you get a chance, you tell yourself, it might be the one, it would be the one time thats different, this one last try would work.. I guess noone can defy this because of the fact that you're still searching for the one.

The more you shouldn't, the more you would

Just now as i watched How i met your mother again, Stellar said something along the lines of "I know you're sick of waiting and its hard to ask you to wait alittle while longer or perhaps a longer period of time but she is walking her way to you too, as fast as possible."
It really gave me a smile when i thought of it, wouldn't that be nice, wouldn't that come true?

I know its a blind throw, I know its a distance that i can't reach but still i think i'm still letting myself fall in because i'm sick of being so stuck in my previous one.. Thats why i couldn't stop smiling last night, I expected it to be awkward but it turned out that you didn't mind talking to me.. At least for this 2 days. Maybe its different? i kind of doubt it

I seem to have a fetish for girls that i cannot have..
its weird how i paid attention to you for quite some time, look at your smile and tonight we finally talked and laughed, i fell in immediately, putting aside my misery for a new misery..
You have a boyfriend i heard, you probably see me as nothing but a collegue, so should i still say hi and inch my way nearer?
I'm sorry but having a boyfriend don't really stop me.. Doesn't see why it should, one day when you break up, then i'll be there still.. But how is the chance to hang around going to come..

Defectious
These days are really unbearable with you around, i want to grab your shirt and pull it towards me, but no not in a romantic fashion but i just want to get you stare at me then i can whisper " you are pissing me off these days, you better step off my tail, i don't mind if you have your crap that happens, i don't care if you have issues with me being with me or at least what used to be me even though there isn't a me to begin with.. if you're getting to get in my way, if you're preparing to stop whatever that i do, if you're really going to keep this up, then i won't care how close we once were, if you're going to play god that you love to put around your mouth so much, i would take on the role of satan then. Don't give me your excuses, i had my worst crap hanging up my ass this entire year and i still held it in, even when i had to blow, i don't go in your face.. If you want either tell someone even me, or suck it up since you rejected people who lent themselves to suffer for you..if you're still going to come intruding on me then i might just be unfriendly. "

We all have our imperfections, our defectious state but you don't burdenize it on others, its either you let others in or you keep it till you decay. I'm sorry but about the cruelity but its a truth you have to live with.

I found out it wasn't that i was used to bolting up everything but because there wasn't someone who sincerely wanted to hear it.. It wasn't that they couldn't do anything but it was because they don't care as much as they appear to be.. It wasn't that you had your own share of problems but it was because you simply just want people to listen to you and not vice versa.

...

You wished for something all the time yet those who had it threw theirs away, isn't it too early to be so judgemental, convictive and certain.. If you have the best present in the present then why because of the unfixed future to rip it apart, why let the yellowed past dull your sight..

Stories
Everyday just manifest into another stack of irony and events that you want to cry about that you eventually cramped you stomach and settled with a scoff.
You look at others plight and without hesitation compare to yours, wondering why they get to share theirs and yours are just left visibly buried, thinking why you have problems yet you help them knowing it'll never be a vice-versa thing..

Some situations as you hear them out, you secretly rather to be in that then your current situation. You look at them weird and wonder whats going in their mind when they have such great things going on and yet they push it aside then away while you get stuck with all the self proclaimed misery without a chance to even get a breather out of that.
You hear their stories and you think its just not fair.. You stare at them knowingly its a different genre of choice but still, you believe how much better you can do and be better off with that..

You listen but you don't get the story.
You listen but you're far too prejudiced.
You listen but you're absorbed into your own.
You listen but you can't help to relate back to yours.
You listen but its too bad that ain't you.

I don't know if it was an intentional attempt or an accidental attempt to actually inflict some hurt to others but a little through it i couldn't carry it all the way with those guilt tugging on my conscience.. Did i became too absorbed into other's emotion, did i became brainwashed and moulded that way, did i started like this.. I can't remember.. But damn i really want to make it so someone will bleed and it don't matter who.. why can't i do it. I'm going insane with these angst..Why do i think of you..Why do i still need you..

It Had To Be PerfectToday, I got my new pet a netherland dwarf bunny named "Zenith." It was named to be gentle, as calm and non-chalent as the breeze yet loved by many.. Everything was fine until nighttime, as i saw it climbed the cage and eventually out, it pained my heart, why at the expense of the falls and her paw might be scraped that she wanted to get out so badly..
The fact was that with some honesty, i bought it as a distraction too, i wanted to divert away from the suffocation that most people can tell but couldn't or didn't do anything . But seeing how bad it wanted to get away, i was honestly demoralized, was i such a terrible person to be with? a heavy majority of people just tries to get away from me whenever possible.. Am i really that horrible?
Please just tell me.. Please just stop avoiding.. I just want to know..
Stop running, Stop escaping, Stop breaking me..
I still can't breathe.. I really want to burst out.. Honestly i can't find anything thats comforting enough to draw me away.. Each day is really unbearable.. I know it probably isn't the end of the world but honestly it kinda feels like it..With this much anguish, how was i to be normal.. Maybe i just made the wrong decision.. To held on so long.. To buy a bunny that i could possibly ruin her life.. Coming into this course.. Coming into this world..
I need beer i think, maybe it'll be better after i'm drunk, shouting, and falling asleep

Today, they were talking about the slashing incidents that is supposingly random and targeted at guys, they turned to me and said i had to be careful and not to stay out late.. Inside i smiled at the thought, I could imagine them coming up and i could take down a few before i go down together, I could finally have chances to throw those punches i've been forcing back in, I could finally disperse and leave maybe. I'm not sucidal its just that I don't mind ending it off when its coming. I can't keep these anger i've accumulated in. you were the lock that kept everything clear, and now the lock broke and the weight contributed, theres probably no more space to take anymore, no place to store anymore. I couldn't stand it, so i leaned down and pressed my ear against my watch, it ticked slowly, really slowly, and according to that timeline, memories of you just made its way through, I didn't want to remember it now, i don't think i can say i never regretted it, maybe all these were just a big mistake.

Voiceless
I could have shouted and you still wouldn't look back.
I could have shouted and you still wouldn't realize i've left.
I could have shouted and you still didn't care.

I am really vexed about how i've kept silent, I want to go somewhere empty for miles and just shout out into the nothingless. I want to punch someone really hard that take their breath away. I want to pin someone down and make him helpless. It doesn't matter who as long as someone bleeds. I'm become really angry these days, annoyed easily, simply just more for myself.

I'm sorry if i do something wrong to you, but i'm not going to take all these and take responsibility for everything anymore. Its for myself now and i'm going to be right.. I'm sorry if i do, but i have no more stomache left to take everything

I don't want to be voiceless..
I can't repress it,its probably too much to take.. too much to handle

Ruins
It wasn't about how magnificient it was nor how commendable it appears to be. In the end its about how much it took a place in you.
As each part of you slowly becomes ancient and fallen, the remainder collects up and formed a ruin in you, it isn't brilliant or as complete since you might never have found the chance to, but it stays there forever as a figment of your past that clings onto you even if it had been over and ended. An eternal reminder of its existence.
The question is how long does it take, everyone has different adjusting time which they take, mine usually took a day, regardless of the matter, i always took a day off to sulk and just be sullen throughout without trying to look fine and i'll be new the next day as i come to terms with how i had to go on living.
But the process of volunteering your construction to transform it into ruins seems to be so much more demanding. Its been a week since the incident, and its not yet gone.. Perhaps i need to make that decision soon, but what do i do when everything gives me that slight crack of hope but i know how it's promise always fail to pass.. Hoodwinked..
I can't breathe.. I have to occassionally take two really deep breathe, i've got better since then but everything just reduced to crumbs when you pops out.. I know i said i would keep trying regardless.. But i'm 18 and i'll be lying if i said i'm okay with never having experiencing a few relationship.. You know i can't always be your backup when theres no one.. Besides you got so much more people now, so i guess you forgot about your backup too.. But it all ends with how i still want to give it a shot, how i need you to tell me no in my face.

Unfair
Its not fair.. Why was it even sucuumbed to this. Why do i have to just go away despite knowing that i could do so much better.
Its not fair how i always tend to drown myself with doses of misery because of you and you could get away without any of me reaching you.
Its not fair when i lose my smile and you get to keep yours even though its staged.
Its not fair what i lost before it even started.
Its not fair where my heart lies regardless how it never got through.
Its not fair how i break and you carry on like nothing happens
Its not fair why i still harbour these feelings even when i try to throw them away
Its not fair that i keep wanting to have one more last try and in the end it never even comes.
Its not fair that you're not fair.

I watched a commercial that taught how to get the yes from a girl through the types of horoscopes personalities, as always i got most engross when its the part of pisces and if there was god or fate or destiny or whatever it must be toying with me.. It was said that to get a pisces yes, you have to keep on trying and soon it would come. Are you honestly shitting me? i don't even get you to look in my eyes, i don't even get you to look even at me, i don't even get you to talk to me, i don't even get to love you..

It just isn't fair how this all is, its even more unjust if it does end this way.. i tried to take reality and it didn't sit well.. Is this really how it end?

I sound like some kid perhaps lots of times i do but i don't know where else to ask these things..
no one could do anything, and no one honestly want to listen to it because no one really give a crap in all truth and honesty
Fuck it. It isn't fair.. Life isnt fair but how is it that this whole thing doesn't even get any justice

Beyond
Its suppose to be over
If theres no exit in the end, and you get all battered and torn through the way, you broke a few things, changed the path with the footstep you imprint while you look for solace in your journey, then what happens when you realize that theres no further road down for you to take..

Thats right, it was the secret field of wonders that lays beyond of that wall that towers over you but if there wasn't a way in since it blocks you out completely, what is there left to do even when you traveled that far..

What should there be beyond the adjournment of this,
What is the motivation left when you notice that it disappeared,
What would be the significance be as the fire extinguishes,
What is there left to do when your purpose is gone..
What should you do.. What could you do.. What would you do.. What do you do.
What happens after that?
It feels like i lost it all, i know how i sound, but what am i suppose to do now.. I can't get over it and i got no other way to turn towards, I can't find any distractions.. What was the point to all these if i was left with no way out and about..

Relinquished
It was a really laughable thing.. After 5 years of brooding and hovering on the topic of you, it all came boiling down to the same thing, i knew there wasn't even a chance, considering that there was no conversation but more of a question and answer.. I never wanted to admit it but there wasn't a topic to even start on, there was nothing between us, even if we did, you always ended things before even things started.. It was ironic to see how little was done despite the length of time..
I always realized yet i always pushed it to the back of everything else, mainly the feelings i had for you, but i now had no choice as there was no where else left to push it to, i stared upfront and painfully take in how much of a pointlessness it had evolved to, you had rather entertain others much more unworthy of your attention.. Perhaps it was how we are so much similiar, we both hardly talk about our own agenda and paramours.. And that became our downfall for it severely reduced anything that was possible to share and comfort..
On that night, as i gave up creating conversation i gave up any hopes of trying i had managed to savage, i closed my eyes as i try to close my heart, i told myself vindicatively that it should be over, it should finally be relinquished, if i couldn't entertain you, then i can never succeed in securing any of your feelings despite the time, money, gift, concern, feelings i gave even though i am still obstinate about the fact that i could easily triumph any of your previous paramours, i am still convinced that i could be the best you ever have and the only one you would ever need..
So I gave it up that night..I truly decided to.

It would have ended if life didn't love to play.. but the fact that it did pulled me deeper a day later.. With my means of coping to truly migrate from your life, i slept really early the following day, And a blasphemy it was for i only recalled the reason why i became nocturnal over the years, the early i slept, the more dreams of you came haunting... And often it was always about how we would be together and it was always everything more that i would even imagine.. Thus i woke up a few hours into the night.. I sat down for some peace and serendity, I wasn't sure when i begun typing a message to you in my phone, i compressed alot of my confessions into this message i never meant or even think of sending it.. yet by some chance it was send regardless.. If i were to regret something of my lifetime, this would probably top it.. I never should have.. I didn't know what to do, i didn't dare to see your reply.. With disorientation, I shattered with confusion and negative ecstacy..

But of course, there was no reply from you.. And damn it for everytime it happens, i spite the wall you constructed between you and me, everytime i dug a hole, you just cover it back as if you were ignorant.. the fact of how you always avoided me as i kept slamming into that wall kept me coming, i'm hooked by you and i can't escape by myself.. I can't stand it, I can't accept it, I can't take the fact of you never saying no to me.. You push me away but you don't say no...
And now what am i suppose to do..
I want someone to share a long strand of cheese with me, i want someone to drink from a straw from the same glass, I want someone that i could cuddle under the umbrella, I want someone that i could put my jacket over, I want someone that i could hold and take in her smell, I want someone who i could do all the things of my imagination, I want someone's hand to hold, I want someone to playfully wrestle with, I want someone's hair to brush over her ears, I want someone to dance with me under the moonlight, I want someone that I could lie down with in the middle of a field, I want someone to look me in they eyes up close and smile, I want someone that smile would be infectious to me, I want someone to tell me the same when i finally tell her i love you.. I want that someone to be you.. but i guess it won't be you...

I Don't Get It
Honestly, what do i talk about?
recently i realize when i'm with anyone, i seem to have so little topic to talk about, other than divulging in problems what else were there for me to chatter about? what were all the little small talks? others seem to just indulge in conversations easily with all their superbly incredible knowledge of things, making others crack up with little spice jokes at times but how do they do that?
What did i used to talk about? What did i always speak with? Why do some people still stick with me regardless of such a bore i am.. I don't remember being unable to talk with ease.. I thought i would always be able to rid of the awkwardness..

what does he do with you? all he does is to self pitify himself, seeking pity for himself from you, its pathetic, it makes me want to crack his skull open and break his neck.. His talk is always about him isn't it? it is just things of how "screwed up" his life is wasn't it? Then why do you entertain him? The fact that you still entertain his damn pathetic melodramatic speech yet you could bring yourself to ignore me just ticks me off..
just let me rupture every part of his organs and end his proclaimed miserable life for him for the better.. I Just Don't Get It

What part of me that isn't comparable with him? i'm not self praising nor bragging but i am definitely better in all aspect as i see.. is it because he studied with you thus closer to you? this is so unfair.. i don't understand.. i don't get it..

Irradical
It was pathetic, irradical, pitiful, irrational of how always brief encounters seems to have an impact far greater that what it seemingly seems to be capable of containing.
Maplestory has been my latest form of distraction from things i tend to repress back to the depths of my mind regardless of its success, yes perhaps its childish for most on lookers but you would be suprised at the effect of the process.. It worked so well that i would fill my mind just with things related to it.. I could repress things, force them back into that little box that i like to put away at times..
But with that brief encounter, that smile with a wave, everything just broke free and slammed back right into my face, the three weeks i spent night and day trying and succeeding, all succumbed in just that few seconds..
Honestly i don't know the real reason for all those negativity and the urge to just avoid you.. I don't understand it and theories that i have seems to all have their loopholes.. Yes i still like her a whole lot but then why do i run.. Yes it has been so long it could be awkward but shouldn't i be trying still.. Yes we're both with friends but a few second to say hi and just ask how we're doing won't take that long.. Yes it demolished my plans yet it could be savaged if i had pretty damn well stood there and waited..

And once again it don't make any sense, its erradically laughable..
and yes i just posted on your wall, now i feel so much lamer than i felt before.. i'm really a piece of work. I'm sorry even though i don't know what i'm sorry for.. I'm just so sorry.. i'm sorry.. i'm sorry i'm just so sorry..

If i wanted to love you, if i wanted a chance, if i needed you then why do i run.. if i wanted to run, if i wanted to get away, if i needed to forget then why do i regret?
I really need to know what to do.. I really want to know what to do.. but who would.. who could.. who should but you

The Right yet The Opposed
Did you ever say things to convince others on how much they should do something, giving advices that supposingly to be the right logic yet at the same time it opposes everything that you have been doing?

We all know what was to be done, its easy to say it out for others, but even with the understanding, it was too hard to execute this "right thing to do".. You could see it in other's situation but yet never in your own situation..

But if its the right thing to do, then why is it so hard to do so.. If its what others should do, then why is it impossible for yourself to... If its that which might just solve most of the problems, allowing you have the answer, then why does the hand gets hung in midair before retracting it back to the side..

I said,
its stupid to not try everything if you're damn sure going to regret not doing so, then try it, try some more if its not enough..
If you're unsure then think of how hard is it to actually 'love' someone, then was it worth it to accept the fact of their departure so easy..
If you're still in 'love' with someone then wouldn't you be sure that no one else could 'love' like the enormous amount that you do?
If you said that its no use due to that person's rejection with refusal, then shouldn't you still persist to make it happen knowing that no one else would 'love' as much as you would ever do and knowing that you could be the best he/she would ever have?
If you're not sure about being the best then you ought to since if you 'loved' then you would do anything.. and with all human ego in participation, you would naturally believe the fact that no one else is capable of what you are capable of..
If you are still unsure of the fact then it brings us back to the top of this lines..

Yeah.. I believe all these are right.. but then why is my actions so opposing?
I'm right yet opposed..
i pushed and pushed back after i failed to push forward, the further i push back, the harder it gets to bring it all out again.. how am i even going to be confident that i'll be able to make you happy, i'm more worried that i would be the cause your bore and cringe as i'm worried that you wouldn't accept me..

2 Is Better than 1
Had a "class" gathering chalet, with as much reluctancy to turn up, eventually i did regardlessly despite my foretold awkwardness and weirdness due to being in a chalet with people that i never really even spoken to.. But appparently it didn't turn out that bad, it was okay i guess..

Yesterday as a few couples turn up, i begun to spite, the closer they get together, the more time i see them together, the more talk they exchange, the more i wanted to shut my eyes and leave for the cynical pretended happy land.. As time went by, a swell like feeling sprouted and grew through my chest cutting off my air, my tongue twitched with sourness despite how much honey i added to the food.. During the ungodly hours we blasted music in the room and sang crookedly along, the more song i hear, the more i remember what was washed away by the relaxed surface of the environment, the more i want to be left alone.. I stayed in the room by myself, just repeating the question of my inadequancy and wondering how would my final plan take its place.. I left once for almost a good hour, i sat by the pool side, picturing everything i could be with you around, then i took a walk around the park with everything that could go wrong.. I was plugged in with music but what its thoughts that drowned me instead of the music.. I somehow now wonder if i'm just in need of a relationship or just you... It just ain't easy being alone while watching others get together.. Its confusing to see how others break up with sorrow, i just can't comprehend it.. I still believe 2 is better than 1..

It just doesn't make sense

Infront
I know that i tend to see things more than it is, tend to over-react, tend to over-think, tend to over-do.. These tendency might not be positive at all, yet the meaning behind it all is most certainly supposed to be even though it doesn't turn out that way..
You might question why every little thing i have to be that way? in all reflection and refraction, it was a matter of accumulation, though how minor something could be, it could still easily ignite that flame which was created by the stack of flints thrown there..

I most certainly isn't the most understanding, patient, calm, level-headed person i used to be, but i do still try regardless of how much i now think that it is useless for all those, how mundane was it to do it...

I really rather not think of it this way that by this crash i took could turn everything about so quickly, there was such a long road left to travel yet i can't foresee anything infront, thus unable to see how much else i could evolve into..
Everyday i get contradicted by how i want to be a jerk that nothing bothers me and i could screw people up for the sake of my own and how i still retain that bit of me that still want to try..

Yes I still wouldn't mind to listen to all the problems anyone has, i really wouldn't bother you about my stuff considering how you are already engulf in your own despair and anguish but it wouldn't hurt much to at least present some concern out knowing that i was never fine... You always say that you care... usually i don't say anything... but when i do you never seem to listen... and the thing that irks me the most is how you compare our problems.. its an apple and orange comparison but no.. your situation is the most despondent in comparison..how much i wanted to laugh.. but at least i understood how my feelings could never be like yours and neither yours could be like mine..

Avalanche

Its so strong I don't remember how it came to this point, it isn't how it was suppose to be or was it? I never thought nor wanted it to snowball into this stage.. I've repeated all these words as i've heard them, i should stop, let it go, just forget it... But all it did was to avalanche, the feeling and that torment just grew.. I don't want pity, needed none of those.. I know i repeat all these all the time but none of it was ever sufficient.. I want to talk about it, I want to be asked about it, but i can never say it out, never get it through, theres nothing anyone could do... I loved her, and I broke..I saw her smile and i smiled then i got jealous.. I saw her frown, I frowned then i felt like we were the same..

Even if we were the same, we couldn't share, we couldn't start....

I really hate to be this miserable and pathetic but whenever i think of you, everything else seems to degrade into nothing..

My parents told me if i sleep earlier she have a gift that she thinks i really would like for me.. but.. I really can't.. I so much dread to even wakeup, at least in the night, no one sees me like this... I'm sorry.. i really am..

That day as i ate cherries one after the other, i realized how if was just like everything else..

So sweet, so satisfying as you sink your teeth through the juicy body but as you slowly devour it,you reached the seed

The seed bitter, poisonous to a certain extend.. Mostly unedible nor digestable.. like how things that were great ends with the memory that never even if you try, leave traces behind.. Damn it.

Was it really wrong to ever liked you? I said i would never doubt it but.. What the hell am i now?

Un-Over
It was all suppose to wear off today..

It was about 4 days ago when I honestly started studying, I was in a panic mood, fervourish studying for 3 days straight.. The overall reason was to try savaging any possiblility of my grades..

I got so hungry at night because i was over crazed with cramming, I became agitated and resented everything that didn't go well, i slept with that resentment and woke up unmaturedly with the aches and dizzied mind..

I got so tired all these while that I got sick of everything, i was tensed in everywhere, the chest was insufferable, it was just intoxicating to breathe, it ached everywhere, it took everything..

My studying mood is terrifying to myself even i suppose, with my studious front, i could refuse to utter a single word, close everything down with a staged smile, avoid everyone that was from the same course, drown myself in notes and music, It was empty..

But today is the last day of exams.. So it should all be over, that tiredness, that suffocation in the chest.. Yet it didn't..

I guess every word is a show and every action is for the drama..

"I lay awake again, my body's feeling paralyzed, I can't remember when I didn't live through this disguise, the words that you said to me couldn't set me me free, so i'm stuck here in a life i didn't ask for.. There must be something more.."

"Making all kinds of silence, it takes alot to realize, its worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie.. As long as i can feel you holding on, I won't fall, even if you said i was wrong.."
"I'm not perfect, but i keep trying, because thats what i said i would do from the start.. I'm not alive if i'm lonely, so please don't leave, was it something that i said or just my personality.."

i know i can't breathe because of you..your feelings still lay the impact of me after so long, everything i think you felt, the fustrations doubled...I need my distraction, I need a distraction.. A distraction to stop me from you..

The Tainted
Once to be strikingly purge
fell to the anguish surge

a shade of tint overcast

periodically it taints fast

/

As it once belong to the purified

matured, convert and overcasts

Single with each day petrified

a shell moted cleared with dusts

/

Come like it always does

with a trance without the trace

the single rhytm fueled with craze

paradox with love or the darker lust

/

A warning attracts to retract

for the smiles in shows are only for show

Deluded by the promises i believed the fact

but a series of events turned it cold..

/

Since then theres nothing left inside

a shell, a skin, a body with nothing to hide

the trust deteriorated so did the soul

where the heart was now left only with a hole

/

An angel lucified to the taunt of the worst

existence cease to be one but a tainted one

so used to the abyss that now it want

the angels console but it blinds like a curse

I don't know when it came to this point, when did it avalanched here.. It just seem that you're all so great.. too great for my soulfully tainted self.. Like how angels and demons could never mix.. It soon feels like i shouldn't too... I no longer liked being rightious.. likewise you all never believed in evil.. you all are just too blinding to me now..for my wings are already painted black.. I'm sorry..you guys are just honestly too pure...

Outing

had a $50 buffet at kushinbo.. it was a pretty plesant experience but i suppose it wasn't as worth it look at the price.. it'll do if it $10 less i guess since the only attraction point was the crab and the desert.. the tepanyaki was okay, the sushi and sashimi was Meh and the fried stuff were too cold.. didn't try the soup stuff, the specials that i've got wasn't as great since it was only some clams that tasted like mushroom.. considering the messing around with everything that we could lay in our hands for 3hrs 30mins. i guess its alright..

I'll blog more the next time considering the cut on the tip of my index finger is making it difficult to type..

Maybe that its claimed to be special, makes you expect things to be special..
And i guess that special's your gretting..I guess i still absolutely want to have you here.. and perhaps because of that, our lips shall never cross, our skin shall never be grazed, our heart shall never get exchanged..
And i guess i end the 18 in a bottle of beer..
An act of sophiscation to cover up for the fearsome impel..

Day We Claim

And today is suppose to be my day. Today is a date they claim its my birthday. Today is a time where i'm suppose to be special and itself is suppose to be unique. Today is finally when i'll be legalized

For so long, i've understood the meaning of how hollow it actually is.. But why this is the first year i don't believe.. But i always believed, that somehow, it'll always be one hella smooth day, that somehow, it'll always be the perfect date for rising my hopes.. But that never comes.. Heck, just let it be special for once.. But it never is and never does..

I make wishes each year.. earnestly, sincerely, honestly, hopefully.. It wasn't because i was just entitled to, It wasn't because i had candles to, It wasn't because i had been egged on. But it is when I manage to delude myself everytime, yes maybe this year is different, maybe it'll finally happen, maybe this year would start being better, just maybe.. The wishes are always the same, however the hardest to be granted. The wishes are always literal, however the hardest to gauge. Happy.. Just that.. Acknowledge.. Just that.. Better.. Just that..

I know inside, i know that nothing is actually special today, I know its just the date that i'm born, I know its just a normality, I know its just a day, Just a day that is claimed to be mine.

This day won't bring you back..This day won't bring you what you want.. This day won't bring you what you need.. This day won't bring you any change.. This day won't bring you anywhere.. This day won't bring you any help... This day won't bring you any more.. Its just a day..

Its like how Pamela says.. Birthday are somehow for people like me lonely.. Empty if i might add..

This year i tried something.. I tried to ignore it.. but i realized no one else would.. I tried to jump it over.. But i realized some wouldn't.. I tried to stop it.. but i realized i couldn't.. I tried to bluff my way through.. But i realized i'm already..

I set my birthdate on Facebook a day earlier, it wasn't because for the fun and kick like i said.. honestly it was to give myself a chance, somehow i thought 2 days would give my more chance to talk to her.. her. .. So it didn't for the first day, yet i guessed i expected just as much.. But the second, it did, i stunned with exhilaritions, took me ages to just type the unflawed sentence to continue it but i guess the elatedness was shortlived and misery lives at the end of it like always.. I hate this.. Ihatethis..IHATETHIS.. I don't know are you still in my chest and head due to the momentum of the past or due to the attraction you kept up..I never knew..but I could not stop either..Damn..I still bloody well like you.. I still bloody heck get jealous.. I still bloody damned get pissed..I still bloody hell get upset..I screwed things up like always.

All i wanted was that shred of care for me from you

A Guys Night-in

This has kind of been a tradition for us, me, Trevor, Richard goes to Joel's house for a night, just to sit there, eat steamboat, drink alcohol, play some games, talk about anything that comes to mind.. Theres nothing much to it, nothing much fun you could see in it but sometimes, thats the miracle that happen, somehow we relax and laugh about things we made up.. Its nice once in a while when you just sit down and do things that doesn't matter..

From young, drinking was a taboo or at least that was what was input into us, brainwashed actually.. yes it doesn't give you much benefits other than providing a relaxant agents, but still its a way to loosen up, to be drunk from your life and for once less sober to be depressed among your consciousness. Being high, doesn't mean to be bad, but just be easier to laugh at things, say stuff you don't usually do which helps to be more disposed of these burdens.

but i guess that i want to be drunk...so i really do know how do i feel...so i know who i really want to be.... so i can momentarily die

Friday 13th

So this would be one of the blog where its actually about the events that literally happened

Happy Birthday Abital!
so we went to Pulau Ubin for kinda like a cycling / birthday celebration? kind of thing..
So it was 13th Friday in the Ghost Festival, but apparently it didn't spoil the fun even if it rained most of the time..

So the weather was building us up to break us down.. I woke up to the black skies, then when i went out, it was clear, then when we reached changi village, it rained, then when we reached, the rain hovered between drizzling and storming.. So it was then we had enough of the hour wait, we bought ponchos, deposited our bags, rented bikes and off we went.. Then midst of our walk, it stopped.. then when we threw our ponchos away, it poured again while we cycled rounds and round our destination being lost, arriving at the jetty going back.. It became clear.. So that was pretty much the Friday 13th Luck...

Grow Up

From the present we look back into our past, looking of how everthing was over or under done, things are always done with insufficiency and regrets are always left as a trail for us to follow up. You realize if you think and reflect enough, how things have changed as you yourself have similiarly changed, your perspective different, your attitude conversed, your feelings switched. Scoff at your previous naive self yet reminsce and yearn to return as a method of escaping of how the world truly works.

I found how pleasing and accomodating I once was, then i got sick and disgusted with how little gratification i receive back because i'm not a saint to do things without any want for rewards. I gave and never receive. I was passionate and never returned. I was forgiving and never forgave. I was always trying and never allowed.

Thats when I understood the fact of how heroes never stand to gain, only of selfish means, you are allowed luxury... You have to be a jerk and unfeeling before people learn to take you in their mind... You have to be cold and calm before people want your attention.... This was just a mere unspoken truth that i realized perhaps too late to skip the misery i immersed in.

No...Don't even disagree these words...Leave your little perfect world behind if you're gonna leave it some time, Burst your bubble if its gonna blow up some time, Wake up if you're going to be awake some time, Walk out of your fairy tale if you're going to grow up... Time to just grow up...Or just stay there forever..

You induced this and I just went along

I never wanted to shut the door, I never want to.. But i see how you're already engulfed in your own dilemas, I had to... I can't add it on even if i sometimes burted it out.. I can't stop locking it but i have to. Its the only way i could help.. Close mine so i could enter yours and without two rooms to enter, you'll be okay with the set fixture.. But just sometimes, I really want someone more than my tortise.. Apparently, its already too late.. I forgot the combinition to my own code.. Why can't i just disappear from everyone's memory and just disappear silently..I don't want to .... anymore

Opportunities

I don't know exactly the reason why opportunities don't always come knock on the door even if we stay to watch, we complain and blabber on the lack of opportunities but while we're doing that, very often it comes knocking but you won't hear it.. And when you finally open it, you've already blown your steam, take a good look at it, perhaps spend a few days with it, it settles in but then you start to expect more on the increase, you no longer satisfy even when now the opportunity comes without you calling for it, it stands right in front of your door but no..

You don't take it for some reason or other, be it troublesome, uncomfortable or just didn't feel like it.. Okay, thats a legitimate reason, but then a few days or weeks or months or years drag by, you'll find yourself thinking what would happen if you've embraced that opportunity, how much better or at least changed would you current be?

Its often true that it doesn't come knocking twice, i mean when you get rejected throughly, been ignored and treated like nothing, you would usually be turned off and move on... So then you sit there while never knowing what should and shouldn't have been done..

I just don't understand why is it hard to just grab the chances as they come by, a chance that offers you comfort and possible advancement from the pitied stage we currently reside in, its not all that difficult if you think about it, yes you have previous commitments that still clings on to youm perhaps even abundance of troubles.. but its previous, regardless of the timelength, its still previous matters, it might still affect but, the fact is that moving on still has to be implemented..

You claim to want to forget, you claim to want to let it go, you claim to how you want it to be, but when it comes, you stubbornly root yourself to your own naivety to the pessimistic side of yourself and the innocent belief of how time is needed. You often fail to consider, this new opportunity that appears, might help you more than you think, if you grab every single one of it, with time gradually it fades the the background with the new layerings on top...

I'm not trying to judge, I'm not trying to accuse, I'm not trying to say you must but i'm just telling you, it'll always be a better alternative to rather sticking yourself to the pathetic misery that you endoused in..

Move on when you have the chance....Give it some faith..

I just don't understand why others wouldn't take any chance when it comes to help, they have a chance to shed their pasts, they have a chance to start anew..

But what do i have? I got none even close by, i have no help trying to push me through, I see no way of even dig myself another path to go to, I'm always sinking and looking up in the fantasy that i create to somehow ease the escape, but in the end all i see is towering blocks casting their shadows upon me...

I just need someone to push me though.. But i'm too afraid to ask...

Distractions
I would be lying if i said i was happy today, or that i've hid it so well that its flawless.. Just give me a day to get used to the feeling.. and i promise i'll be better tomorrow..

I know this shouldn't even affect me at all, once again, we're of no status, not even a friend relationship, just merely acquaintance but your get togethers and your left overs affect me more than it should.. It should have ended cleanly or i should have shown you how i am now.. guess everything is just 5 years too late..
Because you're not tethered to the storm like i am, theres always a rainbow for you in the end..

I sulked today..I was gloomy.. I don't want to talk about it, all i want is a simple way to get over it..

The way to get over someone is to find someone else that is able to distract your thoughts away and bring it to her.. Perhaps i'm not a good person but i never wanted to be.. Heroes are just an overstatement..
Its affects me to see how you move on from one to the other and never to me.. I suffocate with the hollow feeling in my chest.. I can't get over you, but i know i have to and now i want to... I can't always generate dried up tears anymore..

A Cycle




So it goes like this,



1. You were perfectly fine in your life, you have a square instead of the regular triangle, its easy to balance, you got your life filled with friends and family.. you have fun, naively and innocent you survive without much that induce mental, spiritual pain and suffering. You smile and think of ways to play about some more and how bad is your school.

2. You get introduce to the term love instead of like in the beginning, you see it in others and on the television before you begin wondering how its like and how does it go about, you're curious and unaware of how big the term love is, you start to notice people of the opposite sex, mainly those who you find attractive at that point of life.. This time, you still enjoy your innocent fun, teasing people for their attention, never even regard the thought of getting together, its the point where you see and thats all that is to it.. The slight touch of uncomfortable kicks in with the want to see how u and that girl you pick gets together, yet you never do.

3. You watch everyone around you get together, all the lovely dovey of premature level with the unclear meaning of that so big term yet commonly used word called "love". Your hormones kick in by this time and gets envious of others, these 2 factors develop your urge to have a relationship, you talk about it shyly and sometimes deny it infront of the girl, sometime later after carrying out the teasing that you've learnt to gain attention before you actually confessed in an unromantic way, hoping that a jackass like yourself can be like the others but you phrase it as "i love you". Well chances are rare that you actually do, you learn by then reciprocation isn't something that comes by easily and though you fight for that chance as taught by your friends, you fought on to find that there isn't any result. Your sadness and mind starts to take over a tiny part of you as you brainwash yourself that you really like that person and the negativity takes over as well. But at this stage, friends and family is pretty much all of it, fun was the element you're still searching for.

4. You probably fall deeply mesmerized by the period of time unless you're a major deushbag that is the center of attraction and have no lack of people that admires you, your heart tends to virtually feel the strings being pulled with every action, but the childish ways of yours still never change, you carry on the annoying process of wooing, thinking that you do everything possible for that person, you get all extravagant with your approaches and unafraid to voice out your feelings to your friends but a confession is still hard to come so you try to express it through actions and carefully wind up words to get a try which probably never works, your mind get all desperacy and find methods to unwind, your complains of negativity full envelops you and also bitter lies you made for yourself unknowingly but it brainwashes you even though it wasn't real, in the end it became real, you figured out that you actually kinda "love" this very person, no you have not learnt about the word which is overwhelming. Your experiences built up from here, you collect every memory you got of the person, and inevitable try to be that person as in, liking everything that person likes just to create a person that might actually be attractive and kinda of the same type with that person as a desperacy to get together. And no, you still unable to successfully be with that person, you learn this and begin wallow in your own pity, trying to act all heroish and say that you tried and you can't forget about that person you liked a few weeks ago. you tend to try then give up. Yes sadness by this time has overwhelmed a large part of you already..

5. You find yourself wallowing in depression and self pity by this stage, your life becomes a mess and claimed that dying is a better place to be at after these years of devotion and faithfulness that was never asked for. Tears probably usually consumes you even though you've learnt to put on the false front you got but never really got the technique right, you appear all emotional and depressed, yes you're able to enjoy with some great moments of fun but during that duration or any point of time you relate everything to the experience you've gathered that time with that very special person, no you can't forget about this person's existence and you could only wield up on your bed with your hands wrapped around your knee wallowing in that self pityance you want, telling yourself that you'll never get a chance and what so ever truth but yes the negativity consumes you entirely with depression as a normality, all your life becomes that person, it doesn't go away and it lingers there with pain as your forte and as your means to survival.




6. You finally figured out that you can't go on forever like this, it wasn't acceptable and it wasn't a life thats liveable, so you pick yourself up from the muddy ground and try to start anew, you clench your teeth and try to bring back what u had but no, you smiles return and you start to live again, not the same live u had but one with more maturity from the experience you've gathered, you begin to take things easier from the downfall, learning that nothing is that easy and you just have to deal with it, so with a new life you start.. You find someone else that interest you to approach, as an attempt to forget and to make your newly acclaimed life fruitful, your methods are much more mature for you show better concern, does things that helps her without her knowing, an adult way to express your like, no longer love for it was too strong of a word now, as you love, you break harder, besides its too far early to say it.. So here you are, trying to get over her with a new relationship, wanting a shot now for you realize that first person who you're still insane over didn't have a chance of success, so here you are with you life again with constant smiles and yet constant frowns of the past..




7. Unfortunately i'm only in stage 6, lets hope step 7 is something like happily ever..

Perhaps all i ever wanted was an easy way to get over you..